I swear, I'm going to post something new soon. I had a busy weekend out in Pennslyvania and then my buddy John came out on business for two days and tonight I was talking to my dad about nothing in particular for an hour after I got home from the gym...
I kept changing my little status message to the right but I know that's not enough to feed your need for me. I have ideas of what I'd like to write about on scraps of paper around my desk but don't feel like starting anything new at 12:30am.
I'll leave you with a teaser of the kind of things that I see when I'm out that spark ideas I incorporate in my writing:
I was taking a leak in a bar and thought of how ridiculous it would be to have a little kids urinal in a bar bathroom.
There was a guy at the gym using a machine that works the baby-pushing muscles in women. I wanted to let him know that machine isnt meant for men, but instead I continued to silently judge him
My cat needs a bath but its a two person job... who wants to help bath my cat
I really wrote this because I'm really paranoid about the people I don't know personally thinking I'm a big f**king loser for not entertaining them on enough of a schedule. People that know me may be jealous of how much I care about you. But anyway, once I go to do a real update (which should be soon) I'll delete this post like it never happened. Who knows, you may be the only person ever to read this piece of crap.
I'm not even bothering with spell check
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
The Rumor Mill
To be honest, I'm a pretty boring guy.
When it comes to going out on weekends, I'd much rather have a chill night watching a movie than ever trying to dance at a club. I have boring hobbies. I enjoy bowling, skeeball, and though it may seem strange, washing dishes. I like a show that's on at 10pm on Friday nights and always contemplate not going out so I can watch it even though the TiVo is set to record. I watched the entire Daytona 500 to "see if I could get into NASCAR." And when out at a bar, I occasionally wish I could be writing or at the gym. If I were a celebrity the tabloids wouldn't even have the courtesy to stake out my house with telephoto lenses.
Supposedly, people don't completely accept how boring I am. Some only know me from being on stage with my improv group or heard one of the three stories from college which made it seem like my roommates and I did things besides drink while playing video games, so they cannot wrap their head around me being the type of guy that enjoys blankets and on-demand.
Now, I hope this didn't bring people down to a crashing reality where up is down, black is white, and I do not prefer blondes. But in case this has happened, I have chosen to put a few rumors out there to mill about. Perhaps this will help blend the real me with the celebrity me to make a star ready for his own Behind the Comedy. As with any rumor, the amount of truth incorporated varies. Some are 100% true things about me that some may find odd. Some are exaggerated with grains of truth mixed in. And some are completely made up.
- I am a wannabe-mustache aficionado. If I could grow facial hair, I would be sporting a Tom Selleck mustache at all times.
- I was not aware of how horrific of a speller I was until a friend decided to repeatedly point it out to me. Now, occasionally, when I use an uncommonly used word and spell it right, I will be very proud of that, but cannot tell the reader about it because it would kill the joke.
- I am allergic to people of the Jewish faith.
- I not a fan of it being even slightly chilly that I once turned down a rather attractive girl that wanted to go skinny dipping.
- I have 10 pages of my own quotes in a Word document titled "Acts of Randomness".
- I shaved my chest once to see how it looked but felt it took too much concentration around the nips to prevent injury that I decided not to keep doing it.
- There is an application that tells me how many people check out the site and when I see that number grow when I haven't uploaded anything in a while I start to feel really bad. I am also really curious who is checking out the site from Kansas. You, whoever you are, are amazing.
- Before taking tests in college I would coat the top of my mouth in peanut butter so I'd have a snack.
- I haven't been carded in a liquor store since graduating college, but the other week I got carded at the movie theater when I went to see Rambo.
I like this idea. I'm thinking of making this one of my reoccurring articles like AoR: Old School. It’s like confessing, but you don't know what's completely true. Even if you know what is and isn't true, that veil of ignorance of comedy shields me from having to admit anything.
When it comes to going out on weekends, I'd much rather have a chill night watching a movie than ever trying to dance at a club. I have boring hobbies. I enjoy bowling, skeeball, and though it may seem strange, washing dishes. I like a show that's on at 10pm on Friday nights and always contemplate not going out so I can watch it even though the TiVo is set to record. I watched the entire Daytona 500 to "see if I could get into NASCAR." And when out at a bar, I occasionally wish I could be writing or at the gym. If I were a celebrity the tabloids wouldn't even have the courtesy to stake out my house with telephoto lenses.
Supposedly, people don't completely accept how boring I am. Some only know me from being on stage with my improv group or heard one of the three stories from college which made it seem like my roommates and I did things besides drink while playing video games, so they cannot wrap their head around me being the type of guy that enjoys blankets and on-demand.
Now, I hope this didn't bring people down to a crashing reality where up is down, black is white, and I do not prefer blondes. But in case this has happened, I have chosen to put a few rumors out there to mill about. Perhaps this will help blend the real me with the celebrity me to make a star ready for his own Behind the Comedy. As with any rumor, the amount of truth incorporated varies. Some are 100% true things about me that some may find odd. Some are exaggerated with grains of truth mixed in. And some are completely made up.
- I am a wannabe-mustache aficionado. If I could grow facial hair, I would be sporting a Tom Selleck mustache at all times.
- I was not aware of how horrific of a speller I was until a friend decided to repeatedly point it out to me. Now, occasionally, when I use an uncommonly used word and spell it right, I will be very proud of that, but cannot tell the reader about it because it would kill the joke.
- I am allergic to people of the Jewish faith.
- I not a fan of it being even slightly chilly that I once turned down a rather attractive girl that wanted to go skinny dipping.
- I have 10 pages of my own quotes in a Word document titled "Acts of Randomness".
- I shaved my chest once to see how it looked but felt it took too much concentration around the nips to prevent injury that I decided not to keep doing it.
- There is an application that tells me how many people check out the site and when I see that number grow when I haven't uploaded anything in a while I start to feel really bad. I am also really curious who is checking out the site from Kansas. You, whoever you are, are amazing.
- Before taking tests in college I would coat the top of my mouth in peanut butter so I'd have a snack.
- I haven't been carded in a liquor store since graduating college, but the other week I got carded at the movie theater when I went to see Rambo.
I like this idea. I'm thinking of making this one of my reoccurring articles like AoR: Old School. It’s like confessing, but you don't know what's completely true. Even if you know what is and isn't true, that veil of ignorance of comedy shields me from having to admit anything.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
The Mangina Monologues
With Valentine's Day looming, I have put together an argument for the Alpha Males, the Y Chromosomes, and all the other people out there that have contemplated eating an entire jar of mayonnaise for $20.
So sit down, tuck yourself in, and enjoy "The Mangina Monologues."
I am a guy. I can make anything that is said sound dirty. Whether it's a presidential speech or part of a eulogy given at a loved one's funeral I will find the imbedded innuendo and expose it for all to view. With the slightest twinge of my voice and a raise of one eyebrow, "Baking cookies at Cindy's place," isn't just an activity that has to stop at the kitchen.
I'll admit that I get teary-eyed during some Lifetime movies, but that's because of the death grip you have on my upper arm during the crying scene where Jane is giving her testimony against Tad in the domestic violence case. But I sit through these movies with you because I want to show that my emotions extend farther than the NFC Championship game.
My senior history project in high school was a 40' by 40' copy of the Declaration of Independence complete with all the signatures of the Founding Fathers... in the snow.
I will be involved in a bet that not only puts my health, safety, and/or sanity at risk, but I will also put my friends', families' or the entire human population on the line in order to win $5. But I throw out all my inhabitations if the bet includes no money at all, only pride.
The History Channel, Comedy Central, and the Discovery Channel are the sources of all the information I know. Political news is easy doled out between 11pm and midnight, we can always fall back on making custom motorcycles if that corporate finance degree falls through, and we all understand science is easier when done with a handlebar mustache and a berret.
I don't understand why culinary departments in stores are so huge because anything that can't be cooked on a charcoal grill should not be made for human consumption. I mean, come on, beans come in tin cans for a reason.
But all of this is nothing unless I have a girl to brag to as she pulls me away from the fight "I was totally going to win," against that Marine, and lets me know she'll get declawed as soon as I agree to get neutered.
So sit down, tuck yourself in, and enjoy "The Mangina Monologues."
I am a guy. I can make anything that is said sound dirty. Whether it's a presidential speech or part of a eulogy given at a loved one's funeral I will find the imbedded innuendo and expose it for all to view. With the slightest twinge of my voice and a raise of one eyebrow, "Baking cookies at Cindy's place," isn't just an activity that has to stop at the kitchen.
I'll admit that I get teary-eyed during some Lifetime movies, but that's because of the death grip you have on my upper arm during the crying scene where Jane is giving her testimony against Tad in the domestic violence case. But I sit through these movies with you because I want to show that my emotions extend farther than the NFC Championship game.
My senior history project in high school was a 40' by 40' copy of the Declaration of Independence complete with all the signatures of the Founding Fathers... in the snow.
I will be involved in a bet that not only puts my health, safety, and/or sanity at risk, but I will also put my friends', families' or the entire human population on the line in order to win $5. But I throw out all my inhabitations if the bet includes no money at all, only pride.
The History Channel, Comedy Central, and the Discovery Channel are the sources of all the information I know. Political news is easy doled out between 11pm and midnight, we can always fall back on making custom motorcycles if that corporate finance degree falls through, and we all understand science is easier when done with a handlebar mustache and a berret.
I don't understand why culinary departments in stores are so huge because anything that can't be cooked on a charcoal grill should not be made for human consumption. I mean, come on, beans come in tin cans for a reason.
But all of this is nothing unless I have a girl to brag to as she pulls me away from the fight "I was totally going to win," against that Marine, and lets me know she'll get declawed as soon as I agree to get neutered.
Monday, February 11, 2008
P's & K's
Only you can prevent forest fires.
That's such bullshit, because if it was the case the world would be screwed. Even though my father has been a firefighter for over thirty years does not mean I am the type to run into a burning building. Besides your tasty bites after a run in with a wanderer down at the pub, wood burns, so I do not want to run into a place where I am surrounded by potential killer energy. It may not be gulfed in flames while I'm on a casual stroll with my ladyfriend in the middle of the afternoon, but I've seen the PSA's. All it takes it one stray cigarette butt being flicked out of a car and we can find ourselves surrounded by a wall of fire where my only option for survival is leaving her behind. Sure, it’s an easy decision, but I sweat a lot and I don't want her final thoughts to be how funky I smell, though it will make it easier for me to get away from her grasping hands slipping on my wet skin as she screams for me not to leave.
To get a bit scientific, every object has potential and kinetic energy. When an object is at rest, it has 100% potential energy. Once that object starts to move, the energy switches to kinetic. This is a dumbed down version of the explanation I don't fully understand myself, so if you wish to point out any flaws in my version of the argument, feel free to also share with us stories of the many lunches you ate alone in the library during high school. You big geek.
It may be that my Xanax prescription is running low, but I see the world in this scope of potential and kinetic problems. Some are more extreme than others, but if you watch any Will Smith movie it will tell you one day you're leading a normal life and everything is fine, and then something will derail you; be it extra-terrestrial or... well, mostly extra-terrestrial. And if you're not ready for it, you will be left behind by those of us that are. It's nothing personal, but in the event of the early invasion of the Crezzlantians, our future Reptilian Overloads, I will not be slowed down and allowed to be found by their large tracking animals which resemble armadillos and can smell heightened adrenaline in humans, and ultimately placed in a zoo on their home planet where I have to spend the rest of my life living with you in a glass cube outfitted to look like a swanky 1980's NYC apartment.
Anyone that has ever tried to assimilate another person into their life, be it in a consenting relationship or the random folk in your basement learning the Ludovico technique, knows it is impossible to live in a retroactive world dealing with only kinetic problems. But with time, and the correct preparation, you can be ready for all potential situations. Are you ready or are you going to be left behind?
That's such bullshit, because if it was the case the world would be screwed. Even though my father has been a firefighter for over thirty years does not mean I am the type to run into a burning building. Besides your tasty bites after a run in with a wanderer down at the pub, wood burns, so I do not want to run into a place where I am surrounded by potential killer energy. It may not be gulfed in flames while I'm on a casual stroll with my ladyfriend in the middle of the afternoon, but I've seen the PSA's. All it takes it one stray cigarette butt being flicked out of a car and we can find ourselves surrounded by a wall of fire where my only option for survival is leaving her behind. Sure, it’s an easy decision, but I sweat a lot and I don't want her final thoughts to be how funky I smell, though it will make it easier for me to get away from her grasping hands slipping on my wet skin as she screams for me not to leave.
To get a bit scientific, every object has potential and kinetic energy. When an object is at rest, it has 100% potential energy. Once that object starts to move, the energy switches to kinetic. This is a dumbed down version of the explanation I don't fully understand myself, so if you wish to point out any flaws in my version of the argument, feel free to also share with us stories of the many lunches you ate alone in the library during high school. You big geek.
It may be that my Xanax prescription is running low, but I see the world in this scope of potential and kinetic problems. Some are more extreme than others, but if you watch any Will Smith movie it will tell you one day you're leading a normal life and everything is fine, and then something will derail you; be it extra-terrestrial or... well, mostly extra-terrestrial. And if you're not ready for it, you will be left behind by those of us that are. It's nothing personal, but in the event of the early invasion of the Crezzlantians, our future Reptilian Overloads, I will not be slowed down and allowed to be found by their large tracking animals which resemble armadillos and can smell heightened adrenaline in humans, and ultimately placed in a zoo on their home planet where I have to spend the rest of my life living with you in a glass cube outfitted to look like a swanky 1980's NYC apartment.
Anyone that has ever tried to assimilate another person into their life, be it in a consenting relationship or the random folk in your basement learning the Ludovico technique, knows it is impossible to live in a retroactive world dealing with only kinetic problems. But with time, and the correct preparation, you can be ready for all potential situations. Are you ready or are you going to be left behind?
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Acts of Randomness: Old School II
At the end of the articles I used to put all the thoughts which came to me that I didn't feel like developing into quick one-liners. These thoughts came to be called "Acts of Randomness," so now I'm going to kick it old school to get rid of some of the ideas that have been populating my head lately.
Acts of Randomness: Old School
- The only time I would want a heated toilet seat would be if I lived alone. Though, even then every time I went to drop a deuce I'd be paranoid of intruders lurking in the shadows feeling light and refreshed.
- One of my goals is to be a late night talk show host. I would even work for free as long as I got to play with exotic baby animals at least once a week. That's actually the only reason I want the gig.
- My stock of post-it notes is running low. In college, I had pads upon pads which held one idea each, and now I have three of various color that are so full I've had to start writing in the sticky part. They really were the best four years of my life.
- Opening a Capri Sun is just as hard now as it was when I was a kid. If offered, I will politely decline any invitation to one because of the embarrassment.
- I find Girl Scout Cookie preference to be one of the sexiest things about a woman. Find me a girl with a matched love for somoas, and I will show you the girl I'm going to marry... then end up in an ultimately violent custody battle with.
- Ending a sentence in a preposition is a grammar no-no, but sentence structure is the death of me when it comes to writing. The real death of me will come around in 2024 after the Heimlich maneuver is dubbed inhumane and I choke on a hot dog after throwing away a bunch of random crap shoved in a box together that remarkably was beautiful if you didn't try to figure out every individual piece; irony.
- February and March are named for tolerance, so I feel its important to refer to the great strides this country has made amongst the differences we all have. I am proud to call anyone my friend regardless of their race, sex, or political affiliation... unless you have an outie.
Acts of Randomness: Old School
- The only time I would want a heated toilet seat would be if I lived alone. Though, even then every time I went to drop a deuce I'd be paranoid of intruders lurking in the shadows feeling light and refreshed.
- One of my goals is to be a late night talk show host. I would even work for free as long as I got to play with exotic baby animals at least once a week. That's actually the only reason I want the gig.
- My stock of post-it notes is running low. In college, I had pads upon pads which held one idea each, and now I have three of various color that are so full I've had to start writing in the sticky part. They really were the best four years of my life.
- Opening a Capri Sun is just as hard now as it was when I was a kid. If offered, I will politely decline any invitation to one because of the embarrassment.
- I find Girl Scout Cookie preference to be one of the sexiest things about a woman. Find me a girl with a matched love for somoas, and I will show you the girl I'm going to marry... then end up in an ultimately violent custody battle with.
- Ending a sentence in a preposition is a grammar no-no, but sentence structure is the death of me when it comes to writing. The real death of me will come around in 2024 after the Heimlich maneuver is dubbed inhumane and I choke on a hot dog after throwing away a bunch of random crap shoved in a box together that remarkably was beautiful if you didn't try to figure out every individual piece; irony.
- February and March are named for tolerance, so I feel its important to refer to the great strides this country has made amongst the differences we all have. I am proud to call anyone my friend regardless of their race, sex, or political affiliation... unless you have an outie.
Monday, February 04, 2008
Driver's Ed
"You're gonna go out there driving, and kill your friends!"
That is the first thing my Driver's Ed teacher said to the class back in high school. And it wasn't like he misspoke, because he then said it a second time very slowly. There we are a bunch of 16 year olds, excited to finally have the chance to drive ourselves to the mall or see how many people we can fit into a '96 Buick Century before bottoming out on a speed bump, and the first words out of his mouth burn the image of body parts strewn about on a hazy roadway late at night while a state trooper whispers "stupid kids" under his breath. That was eight years, and today while behind the wheel, I thought maybe he had a point.
Does anyone remember the checklist of things you should do every time before driving off? Check out the exterior of the car to make sure everything is in working order, checking under the car to in case an elderly picking up a coin has not slipped beneath your chasse, and adjusting the seat, mirrors, and steering wheel in order to have complete control of the car. All of this is very important to keep yourself, and others, safe on the road so if I do all of these things at the same time, it more than triples the amount of safety I am dispensing to the world, and if I do them while in motion, its not only safety times three, its convenient for me. I should write PSAs.
Besides, there are so many pet shelters around with animals looking for a good home you're bound to find one that looks remarkably like the cat you ran over that your neighbors won't even know.
That is the first thing my Driver's Ed teacher said to the class back in high school. And it wasn't like he misspoke, because he then said it a second time very slowly. There we are a bunch of 16 year olds, excited to finally have the chance to drive ourselves to the mall or see how many people we can fit into a '96 Buick Century before bottoming out on a speed bump, and the first words out of his mouth burn the image of body parts strewn about on a hazy roadway late at night while a state trooper whispers "stupid kids" under his breath. That was eight years, and today while behind the wheel, I thought maybe he had a point.
Does anyone remember the checklist of things you should do every time before driving off? Check out the exterior of the car to make sure everything is in working order, checking under the car to in case an elderly picking up a coin has not slipped beneath your chasse, and adjusting the seat, mirrors, and steering wheel in order to have complete control of the car. All of this is very important to keep yourself, and others, safe on the road so if I do all of these things at the same time, it more than triples the amount of safety I am dispensing to the world, and if I do them while in motion, its not only safety times three, its convenient for me. I should write PSAs.
Besides, there are so many pet shelters around with animals looking for a good home you're bound to find one that looks remarkably like the cat you ran over that your neighbors won't even know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
