Recently my days have consisted of waking up, scaring school children waiting for the bus by removing bloodied lawn tools from my trunk and a bag where something that looks strikingly like a human head falls out, while some time after that I head to the gym. Going to the gym has kept me sane these last few weeks as the kids have started to become desensitized to my actions and one of these days the kids (and the authorities) will realize why their parents have disappeared. There is something about repetitive motion that makes life rewarding; that's why during my last mental break down I kept rocking back and forth repeating the female lead to Paradise By The Dashboard Lights for 36 straight hours. All of these things remind us that you have to keep trying, strive towards your goal, its not all over if you don't get a good jump out of the gate; keep your head in the game.
First impressions take three seconds to make, and if you screw that up; you are f**ked. Sure, everyone is a unique little snowflake and the true beauty of a person is not physical, but when you walk past me in the supermarket the first thought in my head is not, "I bet we could spend the night together just having great conversation." This is why you don't see bachelor parties at MENSA meetings. Sure, you're smart and interesting, but if I really wanted that I would have dated the snaggle-toothed, pre-law girl that wrote my thesis for me in college.
If I have not already broken years of protective boundaries all you ladies have build up over the years, let me assure you that most of these first impressions are going to fall on the Up & Out Policy. This societal phenomenon can be compared to your average school's grading system; though reversed. No one with A's is going to reach the Honor Roll, while your D students are going to get most of the recognition from the school. All women are built differently, but the amount of variety in the funness of said bags astonishes me; so I came up with a theory.
The only reason we have small tittied women around is because people only lived until they were like 26.
As with any new claim on the nature of the universe there will be cause for alarm and an outcry against the change. Did people believe Columbus when he said the earth revolved around the sun? No, there was no absolute acceptance like the time Kennedy was shot by Lee Harvey Oswald. Sometimes things cannot be as clean cut as that. But I have a degree in philosophy so I am officially licensed to philosophize.
Back in a time before modern medicine the lifespan of the average person was significantly lower. Waiting until you are 30 to get married only came about with the debut of Friends. Less than 100 years ago, once you could physically pop out kids you were sent off to be married around the age of 12. Since this is before the titty has the proper time to ripen, the guys which married these girls had no clue as to what brand of utter came with the cow. Because of this the country could have made a disastrous mistake. America has had its fair share of screw-ups with slavery and interment camps, but edged by this one. Think about it, if people lived until they were 90 back then, we may have started putting the small tittied bitches on mountains.
I'm not saying there are not some guys out there that like small boobs, I'm just saying all guys like big boobs.
Monday, November 20, 2006
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
The JF Label
When a guy has screwed up, he will do anything within reason, and some things on the boundary as long as he leaves behind ample reasonable doubt, to right the situation. From sending gifts to taking advantage of a time when she needs comfort because some crazed madman seems to have broken into her apartment, kidnapped her precious kitten, tied it up in a burlap sack and tossed it into the river; our instincts as Alpha Males do not let us give up until all hope is lost. Some guys even choose to make themselves vulnerable in front of women and write their emotions and feelings in cards and letters baring their souls. Most are never heard of again.
Movies and television shows would have us believe that any relationship problem can be instantly whisked away by a strategically timed monologue confessing your heart during a rainstorm. As long as you put enough time and effort into winning a girl's heart, at the end of day you will be together; or at least get some during prom. I am not saying that moviemakers are bending the realities of true life. I am saying it is complete bullshit. Not everything can be saved by a poem during a rainstorm or candles and a hallmark card. At the end of the night you will have spent three months trying to save what you used to have and she will still be the one that got away.
If you are lucky you will still remain friends. Normally when a girl bluntly stomps on the heart that you have put before her, you are going to feel a bit bummed. Sometimes, though, you don't. And it is at that moment you should come to the realization that her direct rejection was one of the best things to happen to you, even if it could have been better timed than at your Grandmother's 90th birthday party with all of your relatives gathered 'round. Now you are in the realm of being "Just Friends." It is a much different world than "Being a Couple" or even "Hooking Up Occasionally" and, as with any change of title, comes a new set of rules and regulations that she must understand.
The first aspect of life which is different is that we are no longer riding down the one-way street to Panty Lane. Life has become a two-way road and this means that on occasion you are going to have to be the one to initialize conversation. It is not that we do not want to hang out with you, it is the ratio of time spent with you to time seeing you naked has decreased dramatically, and you will not automatically be the first person we check with for weekend plans. But we still will call, we just do not have to have any good ideas as to what to do. We're not trying to impress you anymore so we won't write up a list involving everything from seeing a movie to a non-innuendoed spelunking adventure and keep it next to the phone. Pick up the phone, even to tell me you saw pickles on sale and it reminded you of the time I ate 5 1/2 jars junior year and threw up in the shower; because I would do the same for you if I saw someone drunkenly stumble into the lake and cover themselves with mud reliving the last scene in Predator.
The second thing I want to make you aware of is, all of your friends are available to me. It is against Guy Code to go after a buddy's woman no matter how long they have been broken up; but women are different. Women are soulless creatures that are constantly searching for a soul they can mold to do their bidding. After you have so elegantly destroyed me and left me for dead in the world, who better than a young lady I already have a connection with to come by and caress my broken soul; building me back up until a time she sees fit to devour me and my self-esteem back down into the pits of hell deemed a relationship. And it is not our fault if this happens. Women are backstabbing seductresses with magical globes of power attached to their chest, and we men are powerless against them. Besides, I probably met you while hooking up with one of your other friends anyway.
During our time together, we probably had a song. Maybe we were both aware of it because you never forget the song playing the first time you get a 2nd degree burn from a pan of hot water being thrown in your general direction because you thought it would be fun to sneak up behind her in the kitchen. Or maybe she did not know that every time you heard Girls Just Wanna Have Fun it brought a tear to your eye because of her love for multicolored hair accessories. Rest assured that this song has been deleted off every Ipod, hard-drive, and CD in our possession and we have taken every step necessary to reduce the chance of ever coming in contact with that song again; even if that meant surgically having a chunk of my brain removed so I could unlearn the song on guitar. Love has a price, but fixing said love has a recovery period with a co-pay.
Over the next few months you may get discouraged that I am falling for you again because away messages so cryptic that top NSA agents would cry at night being unable to figure them out, will start showing up. Do not be alarmed; I have not fallen off the "Just Friends" bandwagon. This is merely to alert you that some other perky demon spawn has started to destroy my life and I am indirectly telling her the business. Sure, most people would not take a text message saying "I'll give you a call later" as a bad sign but I could overanalyze a grocery list, and have spent the last four hours going over every possible situation, sitting by the phone, rehearsing line by line, ready to answer and stumble over my words after choking out a way to enthusiastic "Hey!" Don't worry, you will not have to hear us complain about her because the last thing we want is for you to retaliate the favor and have to sit through stories of the new guy that's tagging you.
But you are my friend. We can grab a bite, catch a movie, or even take a non-innuendoed spelunking trip and not think anything of it. There is no more risk of you cutting me off so I am more free to share with you my true feelings on topics such as crying phone calls and their need to stop, paying me back for all that money I spent on you, I hate your cat, really not caring if your hair is up or down, gun repair, and how cute your sister is. Our relationship is bound to grow even stronger than it was before without the complications of a physical relationship, but if you ever want to get complicated again, even just for one night, give me a call.
Movies and television shows would have us believe that any relationship problem can be instantly whisked away by a strategically timed monologue confessing your heart during a rainstorm. As long as you put enough time and effort into winning a girl's heart, at the end of day you will be together; or at least get some during prom. I am not saying that moviemakers are bending the realities of true life. I am saying it is complete bullshit. Not everything can be saved by a poem during a rainstorm or candles and a hallmark card. At the end of the night you will have spent three months trying to save what you used to have and she will still be the one that got away.
If you are lucky you will still remain friends. Normally when a girl bluntly stomps on the heart that you have put before her, you are going to feel a bit bummed. Sometimes, though, you don't. And it is at that moment you should come to the realization that her direct rejection was one of the best things to happen to you, even if it could have been better timed than at your Grandmother's 90th birthday party with all of your relatives gathered 'round. Now you are in the realm of being "Just Friends." It is a much different world than "Being a Couple" or even "Hooking Up Occasionally" and, as with any change of title, comes a new set of rules and regulations that she must understand.
The first aspect of life which is different is that we are no longer riding down the one-way street to Panty Lane. Life has become a two-way road and this means that on occasion you are going to have to be the one to initialize conversation. It is not that we do not want to hang out with you, it is the ratio of time spent with you to time seeing you naked has decreased dramatically, and you will not automatically be the first person we check with for weekend plans. But we still will call, we just do not have to have any good ideas as to what to do. We're not trying to impress you anymore so we won't write up a list involving everything from seeing a movie to a non-innuendoed spelunking adventure and keep it next to the phone. Pick up the phone, even to tell me you saw pickles on sale and it reminded you of the time I ate 5 1/2 jars junior year and threw up in the shower; because I would do the same for you if I saw someone drunkenly stumble into the lake and cover themselves with mud reliving the last scene in Predator.
The second thing I want to make you aware of is, all of your friends are available to me. It is against Guy Code to go after a buddy's woman no matter how long they have been broken up; but women are different. Women are soulless creatures that are constantly searching for a soul they can mold to do their bidding. After you have so elegantly destroyed me and left me for dead in the world, who better than a young lady I already have a connection with to come by and caress my broken soul; building me back up until a time she sees fit to devour me and my self-esteem back down into the pits of hell deemed a relationship. And it is not our fault if this happens. Women are backstabbing seductresses with magical globes of power attached to their chest, and we men are powerless against them. Besides, I probably met you while hooking up with one of your other friends anyway.
During our time together, we probably had a song. Maybe we were both aware of it because you never forget the song playing the first time you get a 2nd degree burn from a pan of hot water being thrown in your general direction because you thought it would be fun to sneak up behind her in the kitchen. Or maybe she did not know that every time you heard Girls Just Wanna Have Fun it brought a tear to your eye because of her love for multicolored hair accessories. Rest assured that this song has been deleted off every Ipod, hard-drive, and CD in our possession and we have taken every step necessary to reduce the chance of ever coming in contact with that song again; even if that meant surgically having a chunk of my brain removed so I could unlearn the song on guitar. Love has a price, but fixing said love has a recovery period with a co-pay.
Over the next few months you may get discouraged that I am falling for you again because away messages so cryptic that top NSA agents would cry at night being unable to figure them out, will start showing up. Do not be alarmed; I have not fallen off the "Just Friends" bandwagon. This is merely to alert you that some other perky demon spawn has started to destroy my life and I am indirectly telling her the business. Sure, most people would not take a text message saying "I'll give you a call later" as a bad sign but I could overanalyze a grocery list, and have spent the last four hours going over every possible situation, sitting by the phone, rehearsing line by line, ready to answer and stumble over my words after choking out a way to enthusiastic "Hey!" Don't worry, you will not have to hear us complain about her because the last thing we want is for you to retaliate the favor and have to sit through stories of the new guy that's tagging you.
But you are my friend. We can grab a bite, catch a movie, or even take a non-innuendoed spelunking trip and not think anything of it. There is no more risk of you cutting me off so I am more free to share with you my true feelings on topics such as crying phone calls and their need to stop, paying me back for all that money I spent on you, I hate your cat, really not caring if your hair is up or down, gun repair, and how cute your sister is. Our relationship is bound to grow even stronger than it was before without the complications of a physical relationship, but if you ever want to get complicated again, even just for one night, give me a call.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
