I have a friend in Medical School and in the next few weeks she has to prepare for the big test they give you after two years of doctor school. I know she was stressing so during lunch I sent her an email...
I'm pretty sure Boards are pending next month so you and your gang of future doctors are taking refuge in the library trying to prepare. I'm not too sure what Boards are so I like to let my imagination run wild on it. There was a commercial a few years ago for the Marines where it had a guy climbing a mountain and at the top was a dragon and for some reason a sword and he picked it up and slew the dragon and when the camera panned back out he was in his Marines uniform. That's kind of what I picture Boards being. Slaying a magical dragon that makes you into a Marine.
I even capitalized Boards to show it the respect I'm pretty sure it deserves. I want to create something famous and call it Boards so the medical community must think of another name for this big dragon-slaying test of theirs. Perhaps I'll create the ultimate board game, so ultimate that it requires multiple boards, more colored pieces than a crayon box, and so many dice that the ridiculous amount of dice the game comes with isn't enough and you have to steal the dice from all your other board games. It will put Monopoly, Life, and Risk to shame. And it wont take 4 hours to play a full game, but it could if you want it to. Its very fun. Its for ages 1 to 96. 97 year olds need not play Boards because they will not like it. And its not like how Candy Land is for 3 and Above and then you play it at 24 and you are reminded how f**king easy Candy Land is. Boards will evolve with you through your life.
There would be tournaments that would be televised and wars would stop when it showed. It would bring the world together in peace, until the game ended which would then erupt in a brutal nuclear war between the country that won and that which lost. Boards is a serious game to be played, but it can also be taken casually as a way to spend a quiet afternoon with your grandmother, as long as she under the age of 97. Games like football and soccer would vanish from the world's view, and video games would not longer encapsulate our youth, the entire populous would flock to Boards. And it wouldn't cause mass obesity because Boards can be as physically brutal as rock climbing a marathon, and that's not even for the advanced play settings.
Some people out there may not enjoy Boards, but they will be out casted from their families and loved ones and form a colony of people known only as "The Others" which are not spoken of while playing a game of Boards. Eventually men will roar, women will swoon, and children will laugh with glee at the one game which above all else will promote the quality of family and friendship and can also be used as a drinking game.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Big Change
I have a new job!
Sadly, I'll no longer be scanning documents for a living. I know this might upset a number of you out there that had paper scanning needs and thought you had an in. I'm sorry to disappoint. If it were up to me I would be there to help you out, but the world moves in odd ways and I've decide to go in a different direction. Is it a mistake to leave the glorious world of mindlessly scanning documents 8 hours a day? Yes, it is. But its a mistake I have to make for myself. In a years time I will probably look back at this post and wonder what was going through my brain that drove me to this decision.
Its no joke that since I've hit regular employment this was neglected. I hope this does not reflect on how I will care for my future children, but let's not kid ourselves, after two months kids lose their novelty and they're not really any fun until they can look after themselves and get you things from the store when you feel lazy.
May 28th I head down to Georgia until September 30th. I know I'll have access to computers and stuff and I'll try to put things up letting everyone know whats going on and still giving you what you come here for; 37 seconds of distraction.
All questions, comments, or concerns should be sent on an 8x10 of any celebrity with the first name David, written into a rap song, recorded and uploaded on a muxtape, or if you want to be boring, you can leave it in the comments section. But that's pretty lame.
Sadly, I'll no longer be scanning documents for a living. I know this might upset a number of you out there that had paper scanning needs and thought you had an in. I'm sorry to disappoint. If it were up to me I would be there to help you out, but the world moves in odd ways and I've decide to go in a different direction. Is it a mistake to leave the glorious world of mindlessly scanning documents 8 hours a day? Yes, it is. But its a mistake I have to make for myself. In a years time I will probably look back at this post and wonder what was going through my brain that drove me to this decision.
Its no joke that since I've hit regular employment this was neglected. I hope this does not reflect on how I will care for my future children, but let's not kid ourselves, after two months kids lose their novelty and they're not really any fun until they can look after themselves and get you things from the store when you feel lazy.
May 28th I head down to Georgia until September 30th. I know I'll have access to computers and stuff and I'll try to put things up letting everyone know whats going on and still giving you what you come here for; 37 seconds of distraction.
All questions, comments, or concerns should be sent on an 8x10 of any celebrity with the first name David, written into a rap song, recorded and uploaded on a muxtape, or if you want to be boring, you can leave it in the comments section. But that's pretty lame.
Tuesday, April 01, 2008
Cleanliness is Godliness and God is Billy Corgan.
I need to buy soap.
I put it up here for a few reasons. The first is my hope that someone will read this and then proceed to ask me if I have yet to acquire soap, to which the answer will either be to the affirmative or remind me that, I do indeed, still need to buy soap. The second is connected to the first that I really do need to buy soap. It would also be helpful to note that I am running low on shampoo as well. Picking that up while I was out buying soap would be the most effective way for me to solve both of these problems. So hopefully after someone reads this entry they will choose to ask me if I am in possession of replacement soap which would start my pilgrimage to the store to buy said soap and then, if they would have the decency, chose to wait ten minutes and call me again asking if I have picked up shampoo since, at that point, I should be in the cue at the checkout line with my soap having completely forgotten about the shampoo until the phone call which would remind me that I should make a shampoo purchase as well.
My life is a lot like the game Mouse Trap, if the marble dropping off the slide doesn't hit the level holding the diving man just right, he won't hit the cup, sending the ball doesn't the chute, knocking the pillar, and trapping the mouse. And if you're anything like me, you could never get Mouse Trap to work properly.
Hope that's not a bad sign.
Between the job, the gym, and now training Brazilian Ju-Jitsu three times a week, I've been having a hard time figuring out when to get any thoughts down on here. I seriously stand in a corner and scan documents all day with no access to internet or the outside world. I don't even have windows and normally I'm the only person in the office until 1:00 or 2:00pm. It gives me a lot of time to think but most my thoughts revolve around "why the f**k am I stuck scanning documents?!!"
I never want this to become a "This Is My Day" kind of site, so bear with me and I'll figure something out.
I put it up here for a few reasons. The first is my hope that someone will read this and then proceed to ask me if I have yet to acquire soap, to which the answer will either be to the affirmative or remind me that, I do indeed, still need to buy soap. The second is connected to the first that I really do need to buy soap. It would also be helpful to note that I am running low on shampoo as well. Picking that up while I was out buying soap would be the most effective way for me to solve both of these problems. So hopefully after someone reads this entry they will choose to ask me if I am in possession of replacement soap which would start my pilgrimage to the store to buy said soap and then, if they would have the decency, chose to wait ten minutes and call me again asking if I have picked up shampoo since, at that point, I should be in the cue at the checkout line with my soap having completely forgotten about the shampoo until the phone call which would remind me that I should make a shampoo purchase as well.
My life is a lot like the game Mouse Trap, if the marble dropping off the slide doesn't hit the level holding the diving man just right, he won't hit the cup, sending the ball doesn't the chute, knocking the pillar, and trapping the mouse. And if you're anything like me, you could never get Mouse Trap to work properly.
Hope that's not a bad sign.
Between the job, the gym, and now training Brazilian Ju-Jitsu three times a week, I've been having a hard time figuring out when to get any thoughts down on here. I seriously stand in a corner and scan documents all day with no access to internet or the outside world. I don't even have windows and normally I'm the only person in the office until 1:00 or 2:00pm. It gives me a lot of time to think but most my thoughts revolve around "why the f**k am I stuck scanning documents?!!"
I never want this to become a "This Is My Day" kind of site, so bear with me and I'll figure something out.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
MuxTapes!
I've been really f**king lazy lately.
Well, actually I've been working all day and hitting the gym then coming back and crashing so its not your usual definition of lazy. But lazy for all of you that check this thing and shake your fists in anger about me not writing.
I'm not changing that right now, I'm still figuring out when to write new columns. I have a shitload of new ideas because my job isn't too mentally tasking so it gives me a lot of time to think of oddball quirks of life. Though I can't complain, it is a paycheck. However I'm pretty sure my unemployment lasted long enough that when I go deposit my check, my bank will call me about suspicious activity on my account.
Another thing I want to pimp right now is a new site called MuxTape.com It's real simple and a great way to show your friends what you're really digging right now. I'm always looking for new music and I'm really picky so I encourage everyone to make one and send me the link. You can leave it in the comment section or if you want to impress me use smoke signals.
Is the art of smoke signals dead yet? Much like the waltz, it takes two people that know what they're doing in order to succeed, otherwise some guy is just ruining a perfectly good blanket.
Anyway, my Muxtape can be found at http://dmac1983.muxtape.com and I'll add it to the sidebar too. Right now its just a mix of songs I threw up there. I'm not your typical improv/comedy guy that's into inde music or a guy playing a jug and a harmonica but I'll try to keep it to things most people wouldn't stumble across on their own as much as I can.
And one of these days I'll figure out a time to write.
Well, actually I've been working all day and hitting the gym then coming back and crashing so its not your usual definition of lazy. But lazy for all of you that check this thing and shake your fists in anger about me not writing.
I'm not changing that right now, I'm still figuring out when to write new columns. I have a shitload of new ideas because my job isn't too mentally tasking so it gives me a lot of time to think of oddball quirks of life. Though I can't complain, it is a paycheck. However I'm pretty sure my unemployment lasted long enough that when I go deposit my check, my bank will call me about suspicious activity on my account.
Another thing I want to pimp right now is a new site called MuxTape.com It's real simple and a great way to show your friends what you're really digging right now. I'm always looking for new music and I'm really picky so I encourage everyone to make one and send me the link. You can leave it in the comment section or if you want to impress me use smoke signals.
Is the art of smoke signals dead yet? Much like the waltz, it takes two people that know what they're doing in order to succeed, otherwise some guy is just ruining a perfectly good blanket.
Anyway, my Muxtape can be found at http://dmac1983.muxtape.com and I'll add it to the sidebar too. Right now its just a mix of songs I threw up there. I'm not your typical improv/comedy guy that's into inde music or a guy playing a jug and a harmonica but I'll try to keep it to things most people wouldn't stumble across on their own as much as I can.
And one of these days I'll figure out a time to write.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Being Employed
I got a new job!
It's kind of a "real" job. It has potential to be, I should say. At this moment, I am not going to crack open the bottle of whiskey that shares a birthday with me in celebration but at least it gets me out of the house and collecting a regular paycheck. But I had to start the week after daylight savings, the suckiest week to ever start anything. And with a job, they expect you to go in, like, everyday, like, pretty early in the morning.
What could this glorious of glory job be, you ask? I scan documents all day. On my second day I counted how many I accomplished. That day, 414. The next, 508. And then today, I clocked in a whopping 510! This whole week I've done nothing but scan documents, but at least I'm good at it. The irritating part is the gorilla they trained to do the same job is good at it too. And he smokes.
Scanning documents is a lot like making copies, except at the end of the day, you don't get the reward of actually having copies.
Today while going through some of those 510 documents, I came across a name that caught my attention. The page read "Alan Bagelsmith, Architect." And for some reason this threw me off, because there are some names out there that tie you into certain career opportunities. I'm just saying, if your name is Bagelsmith and your occupation does not have anything to do with the production and selling of bagels then you have severely missed your calling.
If your name is Mike Pimpinbitches, I'm sorry, but being a doctor is not in the cards for you.
It's kind of a "real" job. It has potential to be, I should say. At this moment, I am not going to crack open the bottle of whiskey that shares a birthday with me in celebration but at least it gets me out of the house and collecting a regular paycheck. But I had to start the week after daylight savings, the suckiest week to ever start anything. And with a job, they expect you to go in, like, everyday, like, pretty early in the morning.
What could this glorious of glory job be, you ask? I scan documents all day. On my second day I counted how many I accomplished. That day, 414. The next, 508. And then today, I clocked in a whopping 510! This whole week I've done nothing but scan documents, but at least I'm good at it. The irritating part is the gorilla they trained to do the same job is good at it too. And he smokes.
Scanning documents is a lot like making copies, except at the end of the day, you don't get the reward of actually having copies.
Today while going through some of those 510 documents, I came across a name that caught my attention. The page read "Alan Bagelsmith, Architect." And for some reason this threw me off, because there are some names out there that tie you into certain career opportunities. I'm just saying, if your name is Bagelsmith and your occupation does not have anything to do with the production and selling of bagels then you have severely missed your calling.
If your name is Mike Pimpinbitches, I'm sorry, but being a doctor is not in the cards for you.
Monday, March 03, 2008
Ahoy-hoy
It's Alexander Graham Bell's Birthday.
If you don't know who AGB is you're probably not too bright, but that's okay if you're pretty. Its not my standard, but I stand by it. For those of you C-Cups and above, Bell was the first to patent the telephone. By all accounts of what they teach you in 7th grade history class, he was the inventor of the telephone, but there is some argument. If you want to fight about it we'll do it with knives, like real men, as for now let's move on.
AGB was all about answering the telephone "Ahoy-hoy." I've been known to answer my phone with this and people seem to get really thrown off. After how many consecutive phone calls does my salutation no longer shock you? I'm sorry I am not conforming to the status quo. My response was to say "Look, if you don't like it then stop calling!" Supposedly, no one liked it...
But Monty Burns was not the only reason I started using Ahoy-hoy! The word hello only came about in 1883. Its amazing to think of how someone would greet each other without this word being in common use. Hello is slang that has stuck around. If you were to travel back in time 100 years and try to hold a conversation with someone they'd be like "WTF?!" and even more "WTF?!" when I said "WTF?!" If it's one thing I worry about, its being able to blend with the public if I'm ever caught in a situation which randomly hurls me back in through the channels of time placing me at important events that helped mold life as we know it today. It keeps me up at night.
But today, or more likely yesterday, we celebrate the achievements of this great man. I'm not sure if he did anything else great that is known to the public, but I feel he deserves at least one more credential under his belt. Inventors, like many creative people, probably work best late at night, so when those famous first words of, "Mr. Watson - Come Here - I Want To See You." were spoken it was probably in the wee hours of the morning. Thus, AGB transmitted not only the first electromagnetic voice, he made the first booty call. Because anything after 11:00pm is not for business purposes.
If you don't know who AGB is you're probably not too bright, but that's okay if you're pretty. Its not my standard, but I stand by it. For those of you C-Cups and above, Bell was the first to patent the telephone. By all accounts of what they teach you in 7th grade history class, he was the inventor of the telephone, but there is some argument. If you want to fight about it we'll do it with knives, like real men, as for now let's move on.
AGB was all about answering the telephone "Ahoy-hoy." I've been known to answer my phone with this and people seem to get really thrown off. After how many consecutive phone calls does my salutation no longer shock you? I'm sorry I am not conforming to the status quo. My response was to say "Look, if you don't like it then stop calling!" Supposedly, no one liked it...
But Monty Burns was not the only reason I started using Ahoy-hoy! The word hello only came about in 1883. Its amazing to think of how someone would greet each other without this word being in common use. Hello is slang that has stuck around. If you were to travel back in time 100 years and try to hold a conversation with someone they'd be like "WTF?!" and even more "WTF?!" when I said "WTF?!" If it's one thing I worry about, its being able to blend with the public if I'm ever caught in a situation which randomly hurls me back in through the channels of time placing me at important events that helped mold life as we know it today. It keeps me up at night.
But today, or more likely yesterday, we celebrate the achievements of this great man. I'm not sure if he did anything else great that is known to the public, but I feel he deserves at least one more credential under his belt. Inventors, like many creative people, probably work best late at night, so when those famous first words of, "Mr. Watson - Come Here - I Want To See You." were spoken it was probably in the wee hours of the morning. Thus, AGB transmitted not only the first electromagnetic voice, he made the first booty call. Because anything after 11:00pm is not for business purposes.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
To Be Deleted
I swear, I'm going to post something new soon. I had a busy weekend out in Pennslyvania and then my buddy John came out on business for two days and tonight I was talking to my dad about nothing in particular for an hour after I got home from the gym...
I kept changing my little status message to the right but I know that's not enough to feed your need for me. I have ideas of what I'd like to write about on scraps of paper around my desk but don't feel like starting anything new at 12:30am.
I'll leave you with a teaser of the kind of things that I see when I'm out that spark ideas I incorporate in my writing:
I was taking a leak in a bar and thought of how ridiculous it would be to have a little kids urinal in a bar bathroom.
There was a guy at the gym using a machine that works the baby-pushing muscles in women. I wanted to let him know that machine isnt meant for men, but instead I continued to silently judge him
My cat needs a bath but its a two person job... who wants to help bath my cat
I really wrote this because I'm really paranoid about the people I don't know personally thinking I'm a big f**king loser for not entertaining them on enough of a schedule. People that know me may be jealous of how much I care about you. But anyway, once I go to do a real update (which should be soon) I'll delete this post like it never happened. Who knows, you may be the only person ever to read this piece of crap.
I'm not even bothering with spell check
I kept changing my little status message to the right but I know that's not enough to feed your need for me. I have ideas of what I'd like to write about on scraps of paper around my desk but don't feel like starting anything new at 12:30am.
I'll leave you with a teaser of the kind of things that I see when I'm out that spark ideas I incorporate in my writing:
I was taking a leak in a bar and thought of how ridiculous it would be to have a little kids urinal in a bar bathroom.
There was a guy at the gym using a machine that works the baby-pushing muscles in women. I wanted to let him know that machine isnt meant for men, but instead I continued to silently judge him
My cat needs a bath but its a two person job... who wants to help bath my cat
I really wrote this because I'm really paranoid about the people I don't know personally thinking I'm a big f**king loser for not entertaining them on enough of a schedule. People that know me may be jealous of how much I care about you. But anyway, once I go to do a real update (which should be soon) I'll delete this post like it never happened. Who knows, you may be the only person ever to read this piece of crap.
I'm not even bothering with spell check
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