It is the height of the summer tour season for bands across the country. Everyone from Korn to Kayne are hitting up the major venues and performing in front of millions of people only to pack it all up and do it again in another city. But what about those other bands that have not quite made it yet. Those still seeking advice with how to survive being on the road need to look no further than here as I present to you How to Survive on the Road.
Rock Star Tip #1: Touring will bring your band closer together; as long as you don’t have to talk to one another.
You have been with the same people for the last fourteen days and have taken five showers collectively; there is nothing to talk about except your ride. Where are we now? How long until we get there? Did the ball fall off our hitch and go through the windshield of that SUV? Most of America’s highways look the same. Grass, grass, road kill, exit sign, toll booth, bus full of old people, grass; and for some reason license plate games and show tunes do not go over as well as they did on the fourth grade field trip to the zoo. Besides, you do not have a license plate.
Rock Star Tip #2: Truckers are King of the Road, and sometimes Queen, too.
You only need to push your broken down ride into a truck stop once to see a guy wearing nothing but a zebra stripped thong and a smile to understand that truckers work long hours on the road and if your band doesn’t make it, truck driving school is not an option.
Rock Star Tip #3: Sleep is for the Weak
Sleep in shifts. Most likely the places police allow people to sleep will not be in the best neighborhoods. The only thing worse than waking up in a van smelling like sweat and White Castle, is waking up in a van smelling like sweat and White Castle without your equipment. Occasionally you may wake up without underwear on, but that’s the reason you joined a band in the first place; embrace it.
Rock Star Tip #4: The Red Wings are No Longer My Favorite Hockey Team
During a conversation with a kindly fellow named JP Long in Texas after our ride broke down for the third time that trip, I learned, in full one-toothed detail exactly how to earn your ‘red wings.’ When he first said it, I really hoped he was a Communist Fighter Pilot…
Rock Star Tip #5: Ten Things to Always Keep In Your Van
1) Secret Gas Money Hidden from the Drummer.
2) Extra Empty Bottles Because “I just stopped 10 minutes ago!”
3) Video Camera to Film Sexual Exploits like our Hero, Scott Strapp
4) Assorted Pornography (combined with #5)
5) Sandwich Bags and Vaseline (most clubs have a microwave somewhere)
6) A handle of Seagrams 7
7) Phil Collins – No Jacket Required Cassette Tape
8) Another handle of Seagrams 7
9) Box Full of Puppies in case the Ladies Do Not Dig that I Play Guitar
10) A Cooler Full of Hopes and Dreams, Natty Light and Newports
Rock Star Tip #6: LA was not built for Mid Sized-School Buses
LA has the craziest traffic in the US. With the amount of Ferraris and Bentleys people drive to pick up milk in that city, it makes for a rather expensive obstacle course. In order to drive safely in LA one would have to possess no remorse for the human life, but since this is Los Angeles we are speaking of, that is not hard to come by.
Rock Star Tip #7: You Will Never Breakdown Near Anything
If you just passed a truck stop or civilization of any kind; worry not. Your ride will not breakdown on you. Nor will it breakdown during the normal daylight business hours of any local mechanic. Remember, your automobile is vengeful and growing ever-smarter by the day. It becomes self-aware at 2:14am.
Rock Star Tip #8: Accidents Will Happen
Statistics show that driving is the most hazardous mode of transportation, so it is likely you and your band mates will be involved in something. Though when you come home and your girlfriend tearfully admits to ‘accidently’ have slept with your best friend, you are on your own.
Rock Star Tip #9: Do Not Let Others Disrespect Your Ride
The only thing keeping you from walking the rest of the way to Tulsa is the 1984 nine-miles-a-gallon stallion you are riding in. Do not, by any means, let anyone that has not woken up in a cold sweat using the snare drum as a pillow put her down. That is your home, and you want people to care for it as if they lived among the once cushioned seats. You and your band mates, however, should spend your mornings talking about the crappiness of said ride until lunch.
Rock Star Tip #10: Remember the Good Old Days
Once your band hits the big time and your ride is updated to a multi-million dollar bus with more luxury than the typical suburban house, be sure to remember the early mornings spent explaining to the curious police officer why you were in a van spooning with your mohawked bass player when the heat broke. These are the glory days, so when you are hanging out on the bus late at night after the third sold out stadium show you can lie to all your fans and tell them how you would rather be sleeping in the van like the old days.
Tuesday, July 17, 2007
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Hanging Out With Oscar
The Academy Awards are on tonight. Unless you are reading this after the day they are broadcast, then it would be worded the Academy Awards were on last night, a few days ago, or even possibly earlier this week. It is the semantics of the argument which makes writing so difficult. To build an world with words enabling the reader to close their eyes after a paragraph and smell the fresh air of a Northern Ireland loch as you see a family of otters out for their morning shell shucking while the sun breaks over the horizon welcoming in the new day is quite the feat not many are able to do. And those few that can bring a fantasy world to life in your imagaination are praised with that golden sticker found on some books...the name of it just slips my mind. The Polar Express had one. You learned about it in grade school and there was a silver sticker as well that went to lesser great books, whatever, I'm sure it is still important AND impressive. For those who cannot capture one's imagination with words, do so with film, and are praised with Academy Awards; a cheapened version of that little golden sticker thingy found on books.
When I put my creativity to use, it has never been fueled by the opportunity to win an award. This could be that praise from my friends and readers are enough to keep me going, or because the only thing I ever won was the "Thanks for Participating" Little League award and I once came in third place in the Egg-On-A-Spoon race during Field Day. I have been known to dabble in making videos and it would be a lie to say that I would not want to stand up on that stage thanking my 8th grade science teacher before being played off to the theme of Jurassic Park, but it is not easy to win an Oscar. Though, as every year passes I am starting to see a trend and if I play towards these few things I may be able to snag me a gold man; or atleast get invited to the ceremony and steal one from Nick Cage, the best actor ever.
The Academy hates comedy. In fact, I would go so far as to say that they hate any type of happiness. So I would not allow any of the actors in my movie to smile. Throughout 80% of the movie there must be someone crying in the frame, but not normal "Oh my god, where did the lower portion of my leg go" crying. The Academy only respects crying from emotional pain. The kind of pain you suffer when you have to shoot your best friend to save the woman you love, or shoot your best friend because he killed the woman you love, or shoot your best friend because he was also loving the woman you love. So during each take I would be dunking a puppy in a large tub of water. Once the bubbles stop, the tears flow like rivers.
Any actor or filmmaker with a rough, learn-from-the-streets upbringing has a better shot at winning than a middle class white kid from NJ. Obviously there is nothing I can do to change where I grew up or the situations I faced as a youth, but I could fake my own death and re-create a new persona. All I'd need is the body of a bum with similar physical features, five gallons of gasoline, and a good plastic surgeon. I could reconstruct my chin, get hair plugs which would allow me to finally grow a sweet beard, and spend 36 months training with a language coach to learn how to speak with a Northern Jersey accent.
An important factor when making a movie is having a plot. Inde film directors forget this most of the time. As do inde bands when they produce an album recorded using a trashcan and a two-stringed banjo. The word "inde" is just another word for "suck." The most important thing the Academy looks for, besides a person's race, sex, or political influence, is the substance of their movie. When writing a movie it is important to remember that people are watching to be entertained, not wondering why there is a dancing ampersand stabbing the covenient store clerk while humming Hail to the Chief. If all else fails, look back on history and write a movie about someone's life. William Wallace, Mozart, and Ray Charles have all been taken but some historical figures who have not had their lives transposed to film are waiting in movie purgatory for you. People like Stewart Scott and Rich Eisen, that dolphin from SeaQuest, and the team that plays the Harlem Globetrotters.
A running trend throughout the history of the 79 years of awards has been the artistic nature of films. Throughout the ages, artists have been known to be controversial in ways they have expressed themselves though I can say with certainty this next piece of advice is key when making your Oscar winning film. DO NOT PUT GRATUITOUS NUDITY IN YOUR MOVIE. I don't understand it either, but this is what kept Car Wash IV out of contention. If you must put nudity in your film please follow the "One Titty" rule from films like Shakespear in Love and Titanic. You may expose one titty, but it cannot be over a B-cup and no one can find it sexy in any way.
The last piece of vital information I can spot about the Academy Awards is to make sure no one has ever heard of your movie until it has been nominated. If you have big named actors, make sure they are in movies with many more explosions and actual entertaining proporties to them that will overshine your movie shot in your basement, eating peanut butter sandwiches from your mom. If your movie does open as a major blockbuster event, make sure that it is well over 3 hours long. If this means dragging out non-important scenes of characters silently walking through fields or adding on an hour and a half of crying it is your obligation to the Academy to do so.
But I am in no rush to get an Oscar. I am content with a comment from a friend, a quote in a profile, or a fan getting my intials tattooed on their body.
When I put my creativity to use, it has never been fueled by the opportunity to win an award. This could be that praise from my friends and readers are enough to keep me going, or because the only thing I ever won was the "Thanks for Participating" Little League award and I once came in third place in the Egg-On-A-Spoon race during Field Day. I have been known to dabble in making videos and it would be a lie to say that I would not want to stand up on that stage thanking my 8th grade science teacher before being played off to the theme of Jurassic Park, but it is not easy to win an Oscar. Though, as every year passes I am starting to see a trend and if I play towards these few things I may be able to snag me a gold man; or atleast get invited to the ceremony and steal one from Nick Cage, the best actor ever.
The Academy hates comedy. In fact, I would go so far as to say that they hate any type of happiness. So I would not allow any of the actors in my movie to smile. Throughout 80% of the movie there must be someone crying in the frame, but not normal "Oh my god, where did the lower portion of my leg go" crying. The Academy only respects crying from emotional pain. The kind of pain you suffer when you have to shoot your best friend to save the woman you love, or shoot your best friend because he killed the woman you love, or shoot your best friend because he was also loving the woman you love. So during each take I would be dunking a puppy in a large tub of water. Once the bubbles stop, the tears flow like rivers.
Any actor or filmmaker with a rough, learn-from-the-streets upbringing has a better shot at winning than a middle class white kid from NJ. Obviously there is nothing I can do to change where I grew up or the situations I faced as a youth, but I could fake my own death and re-create a new persona. All I'd need is the body of a bum with similar physical features, five gallons of gasoline, and a good plastic surgeon. I could reconstruct my chin, get hair plugs which would allow me to finally grow a sweet beard, and spend 36 months training with a language coach to learn how to speak with a Northern Jersey accent.
An important factor when making a movie is having a plot. Inde film directors forget this most of the time. As do inde bands when they produce an album recorded using a trashcan and a two-stringed banjo. The word "inde" is just another word for "suck." The most important thing the Academy looks for, besides a person's race, sex, or political influence, is the substance of their movie. When writing a movie it is important to remember that people are watching to be entertained, not wondering why there is a dancing ampersand stabbing the covenient store clerk while humming Hail to the Chief. If all else fails, look back on history and write a movie about someone's life. William Wallace, Mozart, and Ray Charles have all been taken but some historical figures who have not had their lives transposed to film are waiting in movie purgatory for you. People like Stewart Scott and Rich Eisen, that dolphin from SeaQuest, and the team that plays the Harlem Globetrotters.
A running trend throughout the history of the 79 years of awards has been the artistic nature of films. Throughout the ages, artists have been known to be controversial in ways they have expressed themselves though I can say with certainty this next piece of advice is key when making your Oscar winning film. DO NOT PUT GRATUITOUS NUDITY IN YOUR MOVIE. I don't understand it either, but this is what kept Car Wash IV out of contention. If you must put nudity in your film please follow the "One Titty" rule from films like Shakespear in Love and Titanic. You may expose one titty, but it cannot be over a B-cup and no one can find it sexy in any way.
The last piece of vital information I can spot about the Academy Awards is to make sure no one has ever heard of your movie until it has been nominated. If you have big named actors, make sure they are in movies with many more explosions and actual entertaining proporties to them that will overshine your movie shot in your basement, eating peanut butter sandwiches from your mom. If your movie does open as a major blockbuster event, make sure that it is well over 3 hours long. If this means dragging out non-important scenes of characters silently walking through fields or adding on an hour and a half of crying it is your obligation to the Academy to do so.
But I am in no rush to get an Oscar. I am content with a comment from a friend, a quote in a profile, or a fan getting my intials tattooed on their body.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
The State of My Union
I come before you today to bring you a message. A message not carried by a winged creature into your living rooms through an open window scaring your children and insighting you to beat the poor bird to death with a broom; but a message of understanding. Coming to grips with the words you are reading and the path they took to get there. We are all filled with insecurities about ourselves and about the world and I believe it is time for us to acknowledge these insecurities and cry out to the world, "I am afraid of popping balloons!" So I want to open up the discussion to the floor and start off with a few of my own insecurities.
My dad never showed me how to shave. I learned from watching Gilette commercials. Not being a complete idiot helped too. It was common sense that if I drag this razor along my face, my sad excuse for facial hair will help the ever-growing clog in the sink. But because I never had anyone to teach me the correct way to shave, I am always self-conscious about it when other people are around. I fear others are silently judging every pass I take with my razor, calling me names and scoffing as they watch my unorthodox methods of hair hygene.
Another internal demon I fight with on an almost daily basis is my inability to correctly get on pace with an escalator. Sometimes while I'm in the mall I will walk up to the giant moving staircase and hesitate half a second too long and then almost plunge to my death and tumbling over and over catching others not paying attention in a snowball of bodies until the headlines the next day read; "Technology Kills Again; 17 Dead in Escalator Accident." I don't know why I can't simply step up to an escalator without worry like everyone else in the world. There are double dutch jumpers in the world that think less about their approach than I do. I will stutter-step my way onto an escalator to ensure I step fully onto a step instead of a crack, and it has nothing to do with the condition of my mother's back.
But internal battles are not the only thing that make my day harder. Ketchup is yummy. Most of us put it on anything from hamburgers to french fries and sometimes eggs. It is second only to Ranch Dressing in the condiment world; recently losing out to the country-style goodness. And even though we put ketchup on so many things we devour in the course of our day, and the ungodly amount of ketcup we will douse on any given french fry; it is absolutely disgusting to eat alone. If ketchup were a superhero, it could never be the star of its own comic book.
These are the types of things that torment my life. I assure you that they are all true so if you are ever walking with me in a mall watch the beads of sweat build up on my brow as we approach the mechanical mountain. Everyone has stupid things that bug them that the greater public would not, so if you can think of one leave it in the comment section. Consider this group therapy and I'm the psychologist and we are all f**king crazy.
My dad never showed me how to shave. I learned from watching Gilette commercials. Not being a complete idiot helped too. It was common sense that if I drag this razor along my face, my sad excuse for facial hair will help the ever-growing clog in the sink. But because I never had anyone to teach me the correct way to shave, I am always self-conscious about it when other people are around. I fear others are silently judging every pass I take with my razor, calling me names and scoffing as they watch my unorthodox methods of hair hygene.
Another internal demon I fight with on an almost daily basis is my inability to correctly get on pace with an escalator. Sometimes while I'm in the mall I will walk up to the giant moving staircase and hesitate half a second too long and then almost plunge to my death and tumbling over and over catching others not paying attention in a snowball of bodies until the headlines the next day read; "Technology Kills Again; 17 Dead in Escalator Accident." I don't know why I can't simply step up to an escalator without worry like everyone else in the world. There are double dutch jumpers in the world that think less about their approach than I do. I will stutter-step my way onto an escalator to ensure I step fully onto a step instead of a crack, and it has nothing to do with the condition of my mother's back.
But internal battles are not the only thing that make my day harder. Ketchup is yummy. Most of us put it on anything from hamburgers to french fries and sometimes eggs. It is second only to Ranch Dressing in the condiment world; recently losing out to the country-style goodness. And even though we put ketchup on so many things we devour in the course of our day, and the ungodly amount of ketcup we will douse on any given french fry; it is absolutely disgusting to eat alone. If ketchup were a superhero, it could never be the star of its own comic book.
These are the types of things that torment my life. I assure you that they are all true so if you are ever walking with me in a mall watch the beads of sweat build up on my brow as we approach the mechanical mountain. Everyone has stupid things that bug them that the greater public would not, so if you can think of one leave it in the comment section. Consider this group therapy and I'm the psychologist and we are all f**king crazy.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Resolution Revolution!
The busy holiday season is over. Those gifts you meant to return are now yours to stalk the dark corradors of your closet until the relative that gave them to you dies. Those of you with jobs have gone back to work in your offices with the co-workers you admire and that guy from the mailroom you are pretty sure still has your panties in the back of his SUV after he gave you a ride home from the Christmas Party. But more importantly the year has ended. The constant gonadal punch of 2006 has left and we now have to deal with the creeping abdominal pain of 2007.
To sound cliched enough for the Hallmark crowd; a new year brings a new beginning, except our new beginning was bought at a garage sale. The new slate set before us has dried up pieces of soul left behind from the last time it was used to disembowel the dreams of the youth. But just because our past wil always be sitting at the next table over tossing peanuts and crumpled up straw wrappers in our drinks, mocking us, does not mean we cannot make this year better.
That is why I have made up a list of points I would like to see carried out this year. Not so much a resolution, as a promise to myself and all those in my life. If we could look into the future we would see flying cars, talking dogs, meals in pill form, equipment that lets us breath underwater, those same talking dogs talking in Spanish, and a different me than the me in your life today. One year from now let us revisit this column, and note how I accomplished all of the following things.
1) Stop wasting more time finding a quote for my away message than the time I will actually be away. Sure, I love 24 as much as the next guy but Jack Bauer does not take bathroom breaks so your search for Keifer Sutherland saying in his oh-so-sexy-groggy voice "Hold on, I have to tinkle" on IMDB is futile. The next time you have to run to the loo and need that perfect quote, image the sound of your bladder exploding and what the paramedic might say as he enters your room. Maybe you'll even go easy on the aspargus from now on.
2) Become more closed off and take more time to analyze different aspects of my life. I can no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. No more will anyone walking past know exactly what is going on in my life. This past year it felt like everyone was inside my head, with psychic abilites to read my mind. I am sorry to say, I will have to pull back a bit, not show my hand to the rest of the table. And along with that, I will look at parts of my life and think really hard about them; almost to a point of obsession. Sure, she may have said thank you and gave me a kiss... but what does that really mean? She's probably sleeping with my best friend.
3) Kick the sudoku habit. It started recreationally; just with friends. A social puzzler. Then I started doing it more frequently, I even started doing it alone. I stopped using protection, finding myself doing puzzles in pen. I knew I had a problem when I woke up one morning and still had the pen in my hand. I was up to 8-10 puzzles a day. It ruined relationships, work habits, and I can no longer play tic-tac-toe without sweating profusely.
4) Get Facebook to change the relationship options. Let's face it, relationships are complex and sometimes simply stating that you are "In a Relationship With ______" is not accurate. In order for people to fully understand the relationship you and another have there must be different options. For those of you who are waiting until marriage there should be options like "Outercourse is Just As Fun With ____" or "Getting Cheated on By _____." And where are the choices for those out there just having fun? Well with these changes you can select from a variety of new classifications such as "First Her Roommate and Now _____", "Drunkenly Hooking Up with _____" and, of course, "Getting Plowed By _____."
5) Teach my parents how to use a cell phone. My dad grew up in the days of ham-radios where you could talk to someone from halfway around the country as long as they were a pre-StarWars era nerd like you building radios in their basement on a Friday night.; only problem was he could probably hear you without the radio since you had to scream into the reciever. My father has not quite grasped the concept that technology has alleviated this problem and as such I'm deaf in my left ear. With my mom the problem is she won't pick up her phone. "Oh, I thought I heard it ringing!" Yea, would have been nice if you had picked it up, I wasn't calling to keep you up to date on the Knicks' scores. Next time I need a bone marrow match I'll try my chances with the homeless guy they found in the alley. It may be easier to teach computer science to an emu, but it would make life the littlest bit easier.
6) Get a job. A good job like a lawyer or the manager of a Foot Locker. I know I will have to start at the bottom and I have weighed my options. I thought of starting out as a Newise but I can't sing or dance, and shining shoes requires a British accent. All the good jobs are going overseas nowadays. I comtemplated Med School with my unhealthy obsession with Scrubs and House, I am practically a doctor already. But Med School is expensive so I came across another option. The OC has been cancelled so there is a spot for a twenty-somethings drama that needs to be filled. I want to create a show like MTV Undressed without the worry of your parents walking in on you watching it. It would be called College Hopes and would detail the lives of an ansemble cast who each have different tales to tell. It wouldn't always be easy but by sticking together through thick and thin, they would survive. "Afterall, dreams do come true for those with... College Hopes."
7) Become so famous a porn star rips off my name. This is connected with #6. After College Hopes wins its many awards, anything I produce will become gold and soon I will be the talk of Hollywood and I'll be the one getting a restraining order against Natalie Portman instead of the other way around! But I do not simply want fame and fortune at a normal level. I want to be able to go into an adult boutique and see the movie Sorority Soccer Girls 3 starring Mark Hunglow and Dave MaxFearsom.
Of course there are other things I would like to accomplish this year. I would not mind moving out of my parent's house, perhaps write more frequently, or even meet a nice girl who I won't completely screw over. But I wanted to keep this column realistic.
To sound cliched enough for the Hallmark crowd; a new year brings a new beginning, except our new beginning was bought at a garage sale. The new slate set before us has dried up pieces of soul left behind from the last time it was used to disembowel the dreams of the youth. But just because our past wil always be sitting at the next table over tossing peanuts and crumpled up straw wrappers in our drinks, mocking us, does not mean we cannot make this year better.
That is why I have made up a list of points I would like to see carried out this year. Not so much a resolution, as a promise to myself and all those in my life. If we could look into the future we would see flying cars, talking dogs, meals in pill form, equipment that lets us breath underwater, those same talking dogs talking in Spanish, and a different me than the me in your life today. One year from now let us revisit this column, and note how I accomplished all of the following things.
1) Stop wasting more time finding a quote for my away message than the time I will actually be away. Sure, I love 24 as much as the next guy but Jack Bauer does not take bathroom breaks so your search for Keifer Sutherland saying in his oh-so-sexy-groggy voice "Hold on, I have to tinkle" on IMDB is futile. The next time you have to run to the loo and need that perfect quote, image the sound of your bladder exploding and what the paramedic might say as he enters your room. Maybe you'll even go easy on the aspargus from now on.
2) Become more closed off and take more time to analyze different aspects of my life. I can no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. No more will anyone walking past know exactly what is going on in my life. This past year it felt like everyone was inside my head, with psychic abilites to read my mind. I am sorry to say, I will have to pull back a bit, not show my hand to the rest of the table. And along with that, I will look at parts of my life and think really hard about them; almost to a point of obsession. Sure, she may have said thank you and gave me a kiss... but what does that really mean? She's probably sleeping with my best friend.
3) Kick the sudoku habit. It started recreationally; just with friends. A social puzzler. Then I started doing it more frequently, I even started doing it alone. I stopped using protection, finding myself doing puzzles in pen. I knew I had a problem when I woke up one morning and still had the pen in my hand. I was up to 8-10 puzzles a day. It ruined relationships, work habits, and I can no longer play tic-tac-toe without sweating profusely.
4) Get Facebook to change the relationship options. Let's face it, relationships are complex and sometimes simply stating that you are "In a Relationship With ______" is not accurate. In order for people to fully understand the relationship you and another have there must be different options. For those of you who are waiting until marriage there should be options like "Outercourse is Just As Fun With ____" or "Getting Cheated on By _____." And where are the choices for those out there just having fun? Well with these changes you can select from a variety of new classifications such as "First Her Roommate and Now _____", "Drunkenly Hooking Up with _____" and, of course, "Getting Plowed By _____."
5) Teach my parents how to use a cell phone. My dad grew up in the days of ham-radios where you could talk to someone from halfway around the country as long as they were a pre-StarWars era nerd like you building radios in their basement on a Friday night.; only problem was he could probably hear you without the radio since you had to scream into the reciever. My father has not quite grasped the concept that technology has alleviated this problem and as such I'm deaf in my left ear. With my mom the problem is she won't pick up her phone. "Oh, I thought I heard it ringing!" Yea, would have been nice if you had picked it up, I wasn't calling to keep you up to date on the Knicks' scores. Next time I need a bone marrow match I'll try my chances with the homeless guy they found in the alley. It may be easier to teach computer science to an emu, but it would make life the littlest bit easier.
6) Get a job. A good job like a lawyer or the manager of a Foot Locker. I know I will have to start at the bottom and I have weighed my options. I thought of starting out as a Newise but I can't sing or dance, and shining shoes requires a British accent. All the good jobs are going overseas nowadays. I comtemplated Med School with my unhealthy obsession with Scrubs and House, I am practically a doctor already. But Med School is expensive so I came across another option. The OC has been cancelled so there is a spot for a twenty-somethings drama that needs to be filled. I want to create a show like MTV Undressed without the worry of your parents walking in on you watching it. It would be called College Hopes and would detail the lives of an ansemble cast who each have different tales to tell. It wouldn't always be easy but by sticking together through thick and thin, they would survive. "Afterall, dreams do come true for those with... College Hopes."
7) Become so famous a porn star rips off my name. This is connected with #6. After College Hopes wins its many awards, anything I produce will become gold and soon I will be the talk of Hollywood and I'll be the one getting a restraining order against Natalie Portman instead of the other way around! But I do not simply want fame and fortune at a normal level. I want to be able to go into an adult boutique and see the movie Sorority Soccer Girls 3 starring Mark Hunglow and Dave MaxFearsom.
Of course there are other things I would like to accomplish this year. I would not mind moving out of my parent's house, perhaps write more frequently, or even meet a nice girl who I won't completely screw over. But I wanted to keep this column realistic.
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