The Mangina Monologues

With Valentine's Day looming, I have put together an argument for the Alpha Males, the Y Chromosomes, and all the other people out there that have contemplated eating an entire jar of mayonnaise for $20.

So sit down, tuck yourself in, and enjoy "The Mangina Monologues."

I am a guy. I can make anything that is said sound dirty. Whether it's a presidential speech or part of a eulogy given at a loved one's funeral I will find the imbedded innuendo and expose it for all to view. With the slightest twinge of my voice and a raise of one eyebrow, "Baking cookies at Cindy's place," isn't just an activity that has to stop at the kitchen.

I'll admit that I get teary-eyed during some Lifetime movies, but that's because of the death grip you have on my upper arm during the crying scene where Jane is giving her testimony against Tad in the domestic violence case. But I sit through these movies with you because I want to show that my emotions extend farther than the NFC Championship game.

My senior history project in high school was a 40' by 40' copy of the Declaration of Independence complete with all the signatures of the Founding Fathers... in the snow.

I will be involved in a bet that not only puts my health, safety, and/or sanity at risk, but I will also put my friends', families' or the entire human population on the line in order to win $5. But I throw out all my inhabitations if the bet includes no money at all, only pride.

The History Channel, Comedy Central, and the Discovery Channel are the sources of all the information I know. Political news is easy doled out between 11pm and midnight, we can always fall back on making custom motorcycles if that corporate finance degree falls through, and we all understand science is easier when done with a handlebar mustache and a berret.

I don't understand why culinary departments in stores are so huge because anything that can't be cooked on a charcoal grill should not be made for human consumption. I mean, come on, beans come in tin cans for a reason.

But all of this is nothing unless I have a girl to brag to as she pulls me away from the fight "I was totally going to win," against that Marine, and lets me know she'll get declawed as soon as I agree to get neutered.