The Rumor Mill

To be honest, I'm a pretty boring guy.

When it comes to going out on weekends, I'd much rather have a chill night watching a movie than ever trying to dance at a club. I have boring hobbies. I enjoy bowling, skeeball, and though it may seem strange, washing dishes. I like a show that's on at 10pm on Friday nights and always contemplate not going out so I can watch it even though the TiVo is set to record. I watched the entire Daytona 500 to "see if I could get into NASCAR." And when out at a bar, I occasionally wish I could be writing or at the gym. If I were a celebrity the tabloids wouldn't even have the courtesy to stake out my house with telephoto lenses.

Supposedly, people don't completely accept how boring I am. Some only know me from being on stage with my improv group or heard one of the three stories from college which made it seem like my roommates and I did things besides drink while playing video games, so they cannot wrap their head around me being the type of guy that enjoys blankets and on-demand.

Now, I hope this didn't bring people down to a crashing reality where up is down, black is white, and I do not prefer blondes. But in case this has happened, I have chosen to put a few rumors out there to mill about. Perhaps this will help blend the real me with the celebrity me to make a star ready for his own Behind the Comedy. As with any rumor, the amount of truth incorporated varies. Some are 100% true things about me that some may find odd. Some are exaggerated with grains of truth mixed in. And some are completely made up.

- I am a wannabe-mustache aficionado. If I could grow facial hair, I would be sporting a Tom Selleck mustache at all times.

- I was not aware of how horrific of a speller I was until a friend decided to repeatedly point it out to me. Now, occasionally, when I use an uncommonly used word and spell it right, I will be very proud of that, but cannot tell the reader about it because it would kill the joke.

- I am allergic to people of the Jewish faith.

- I not a fan of it being even slightly chilly that I once turned down a rather attractive girl that wanted to go skinny dipping.

- I have 10 pages of my own quotes in a Word document titled "Acts of Randomness".

- I shaved my chest once to see how it looked but felt it took too much concentration around the nips to prevent injury that I decided not to keep doing it.

- There is an application that tells me how many people check out the site and when I see that number grow when I haven't uploaded anything in a while I start to feel really bad. I am also really curious who is checking out the site from Kansas. You, whoever you are, are amazing.

- Before taking tests in college I would coat the top of my mouth in peanut butter so I'd have a snack.

- I haven't been carded in a liquor store since graduating college, but the other week I got carded at the movie theater when I went to see Rambo.

I like this idea. I'm thinking of making this one of my reoccurring articles like AoR: Old School. It’s like confessing, but you don't know what's completely true. Even if you know what is and isn't true, that veil of ignorance of comedy shields me from having to admit anything.