Hanging Out With Oscar

The Academy Awards are on tonight. Unless you are reading this after the day they are broadcast, then it would be worded the Academy Awards were on last night, a few days ago, or even possibly earlier this week. It is the semantics of the argument which makes writing so difficult. To build an world with words enabling the reader to close their eyes after a paragraph and smell the fresh air of a Northern Ireland loch as you see a family of otters out for their morning shell shucking while the sun breaks over the horizon welcoming in the new day is quite the feat not many are able to do. And those few that can bring a fantasy world to life in your imagaination are praised with that golden sticker found on some books...the name of it just slips my mind. The Polar Express had one. You learned about it in grade school and there was a silver sticker as well that went to lesser great books, whatever, I'm sure it is still important AND impressive. For those who cannot capture one's imagination with words, do so with film, and are praised with Academy Awards; a cheapened version of that little golden sticker thingy found on books.

When I put my creativity to use, it has never been fueled by the opportunity to win an award. This could be that praise from my friends and readers are enough to keep me going, or because the only thing I ever won was the "Thanks for Participating" Little League award and I once came in third place in the Egg-On-A-Spoon race during Field Day. I have been known to dabble in making videos and it would be a lie to say that I would not want to stand up on that stage thanking my 8th grade science teacher before being played off to the theme of Jurassic Park, but it is not easy to win an Oscar. Though, as every year passes I am starting to see a trend and if I play towards these few things I may be able to snag me a gold man; or atleast get invited to the ceremony and steal one from Nick Cage, the best actor ever.

The Academy hates comedy. In fact, I would go so far as to say that they hate any type of happiness. So I would not allow any of the actors in my movie to smile. Throughout 80% of the movie there must be someone crying in the frame, but not normal "Oh my god, where did the lower portion of my leg go" crying. The Academy only respects crying from emotional pain. The kind of pain you suffer when you have to shoot your best friend to save the woman you love, or shoot your best friend because he killed the woman you love, or shoot your best friend because he was also loving the woman you love. So during each take I would be dunking a puppy in a large tub of water. Once the bubbles stop, the tears flow like rivers.

Any actor or filmmaker with a rough, learn-from-the-streets upbringing has a better shot at winning than a middle class white kid from NJ. Obviously there is nothing I can do to change where I grew up or the situations I faced as a youth, but I could fake my own death and re-create a new persona. All I'd need is the body of a bum with similar physical features, five gallons of gasoline, and a good plastic surgeon. I could reconstruct my chin, get hair plugs which would allow me to finally grow a sweet beard, and spend 36 months training with a language coach to learn how to speak with a Northern Jersey accent.

An important factor when making a movie is having a plot. Inde film directors forget this most of the time. As do inde bands when they produce an album recorded using a trashcan and a two-stringed banjo. The word "inde" is just another word for "suck." The most important thing the Academy looks for, besides a person's race, sex, or political influence, is the substance of their movie. When writing a movie it is important to remember that people are watching to be entertained, not wondering why there is a dancing ampersand stabbing the covenient store clerk while humming Hail to the Chief. If all else fails, look back on history and write a movie about someone's life. William Wallace, Mozart, and Ray Charles have all been taken but some historical figures who have not had their lives transposed to film are waiting in movie purgatory for you. People like Stewart Scott and Rich Eisen, that dolphin from SeaQuest, and the team that plays the Harlem Globetrotters.

A running trend throughout the history of the 79 years of awards has been the artistic nature of films. Throughout the ages, artists have been known to be controversial in ways they have expressed themselves though I can say with certainty this next piece of advice is key when making your Oscar winning film. DO NOT PUT GRATUITOUS NUDITY IN YOUR MOVIE. I don't understand it either, but this is what kept Car Wash IV out of contention. If you must put nudity in your film please follow the "One Titty" rule from films like Shakespear in Love and Titanic. You may expose one titty, but it cannot be over a B-cup and no one can find it sexy in any way.

The last piece of vital information I can spot about the Academy Awards is to make sure no one has ever heard of your movie until it has been nominated. If you have big named actors, make sure they are in movies with many more explosions and actual entertaining proporties to them that will overshine your movie shot in your basement, eating peanut butter sandwiches from your mom. If your movie does open as a major blockbuster event, make sure that it is well over 3 hours long. If this means dragging out non-important scenes of characters silently walking through fields or adding on an hour and a half of crying it is your obligation to the Academy to do so.

But I am in no rush to get an Oscar. I am content with a comment from a friend, a quote in a profile, or a fan getting my intials tattooed on their body.