I come before you today to bring you a message. A message not carried by a winged creature into your living rooms through an open window scaring your children and insighting you to beat the poor bird to death with a broom; but a message of understanding. Coming to grips with the words you are reading and the path they took to get there. We are all filled with insecurities about ourselves and about the world and I believe it is time for us to acknowledge these insecurities and cry out to the world, "I am afraid of popping balloons!" So I want to open up the discussion to the floor and start off with a few of my own insecurities.
My dad never showed me how to shave. I learned from watching Gilette commercials. Not being a complete idiot helped too. It was common sense that if I drag this razor along my face, my sad excuse for facial hair will help the ever-growing clog in the sink. But because I never had anyone to teach me the correct way to shave, I am always self-conscious about it when other people are around. I fear others are silently judging every pass I take with my razor, calling me names and scoffing as they watch my unorthodox methods of hair hygene.
Another internal demon I fight with on an almost daily basis is my inability to correctly get on pace with an escalator. Sometimes while I'm in the mall I will walk up to the giant moving staircase and hesitate half a second too long and then almost plunge to my death and tumbling over and over catching others not paying attention in a snowball of bodies until the headlines the next day read; "Technology Kills Again; 17 Dead in Escalator Accident." I don't know why I can't simply step up to an escalator without worry like everyone else in the world. There are double dutch jumpers in the world that think less about their approach than I do. I will stutter-step my way onto an escalator to ensure I step fully onto a step instead of a crack, and it has nothing to do with the condition of my mother's back.
But internal battles are not the only thing that make my day harder. Ketchup is yummy. Most of us put it on anything from hamburgers to french fries and sometimes eggs. It is second only to Ranch Dressing in the condiment world; recently losing out to the country-style goodness. And even though we put ketchup on so many things we devour in the course of our day, and the ungodly amount of ketcup we will douse on any given french fry; it is absolutely disgusting to eat alone. If ketchup were a superhero, it could never be the star of its own comic book.
These are the types of things that torment my life. I assure you that they are all true so if you are ever walking with me in a mall watch the beads of sweat build up on my brow as we approach the mechanical mountain. Everyone has stupid things that bug them that the greater public would not, so if you can think of one leave it in the comment section. Consider this group therapy and I'm the psychologist and we are all f**king crazy.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Resolution Revolution!
The busy holiday season is over. Those gifts you meant to return are now yours to stalk the dark corradors of your closet until the relative that gave them to you dies. Those of you with jobs have gone back to work in your offices with the co-workers you admire and that guy from the mailroom you are pretty sure still has your panties in the back of his SUV after he gave you a ride home from the Christmas Party. But more importantly the year has ended. The constant gonadal punch of 2006 has left and we now have to deal with the creeping abdominal pain of 2007.
To sound cliched enough for the Hallmark crowd; a new year brings a new beginning, except our new beginning was bought at a garage sale. The new slate set before us has dried up pieces of soul left behind from the last time it was used to disembowel the dreams of the youth. But just because our past wil always be sitting at the next table over tossing peanuts and crumpled up straw wrappers in our drinks, mocking us, does not mean we cannot make this year better.
That is why I have made up a list of points I would like to see carried out this year. Not so much a resolution, as a promise to myself and all those in my life. If we could look into the future we would see flying cars, talking dogs, meals in pill form, equipment that lets us breath underwater, those same talking dogs talking in Spanish, and a different me than the me in your life today. One year from now let us revisit this column, and note how I accomplished all of the following things.
1) Stop wasting more time finding a quote for my away message than the time I will actually be away. Sure, I love 24 as much as the next guy but Jack Bauer does not take bathroom breaks so your search for Keifer Sutherland saying in his oh-so-sexy-groggy voice "Hold on, I have to tinkle" on IMDB is futile. The next time you have to run to the loo and need that perfect quote, image the sound of your bladder exploding and what the paramedic might say as he enters your room. Maybe you'll even go easy on the aspargus from now on.
2) Become more closed off and take more time to analyze different aspects of my life. I can no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. No more will anyone walking past know exactly what is going on in my life. This past year it felt like everyone was inside my head, with psychic abilites to read my mind. I am sorry to say, I will have to pull back a bit, not show my hand to the rest of the table. And along with that, I will look at parts of my life and think really hard about them; almost to a point of obsession. Sure, she may have said thank you and gave me a kiss... but what does that really mean? She's probably sleeping with my best friend.
3) Kick the sudoku habit. It started recreationally; just with friends. A social puzzler. Then I started doing it more frequently, I even started doing it alone. I stopped using protection, finding myself doing puzzles in pen. I knew I had a problem when I woke up one morning and still had the pen in my hand. I was up to 8-10 puzzles a day. It ruined relationships, work habits, and I can no longer play tic-tac-toe without sweating profusely.
4) Get Facebook to change the relationship options. Let's face it, relationships are complex and sometimes simply stating that you are "In a Relationship With ______" is not accurate. In order for people to fully understand the relationship you and another have there must be different options. For those of you who are waiting until marriage there should be options like "Outercourse is Just As Fun With ____" or "Getting Cheated on By _____." And where are the choices for those out there just having fun? Well with these changes you can select from a variety of new classifications such as "First Her Roommate and Now _____", "Drunkenly Hooking Up with _____" and, of course, "Getting Plowed By _____."
5) Teach my parents how to use a cell phone. My dad grew up in the days of ham-radios where you could talk to someone from halfway around the country as long as they were a pre-StarWars era nerd like you building radios in their basement on a Friday night.; only problem was he could probably hear you without the radio since you had to scream into the reciever. My father has not quite grasped the concept that technology has alleviated this problem and as such I'm deaf in my left ear. With my mom the problem is she won't pick up her phone. "Oh, I thought I heard it ringing!" Yea, would have been nice if you had picked it up, I wasn't calling to keep you up to date on the Knicks' scores. Next time I need a bone marrow match I'll try my chances with the homeless guy they found in the alley. It may be easier to teach computer science to an emu, but it would make life the littlest bit easier.
6) Get a job. A good job like a lawyer or the manager of a Foot Locker. I know I will have to start at the bottom and I have weighed my options. I thought of starting out as a Newise but I can't sing or dance, and shining shoes requires a British accent. All the good jobs are going overseas nowadays. I comtemplated Med School with my unhealthy obsession with Scrubs and House, I am practically a doctor already. But Med School is expensive so I came across another option. The OC has been cancelled so there is a spot for a twenty-somethings drama that needs to be filled. I want to create a show like MTV Undressed without the worry of your parents walking in on you watching it. It would be called College Hopes and would detail the lives of an ansemble cast who each have different tales to tell. It wouldn't always be easy but by sticking together through thick and thin, they would survive. "Afterall, dreams do come true for those with... College Hopes."
7) Become so famous a porn star rips off my name. This is connected with #6. After College Hopes wins its many awards, anything I produce will become gold and soon I will be the talk of Hollywood and I'll be the one getting a restraining order against Natalie Portman instead of the other way around! But I do not simply want fame and fortune at a normal level. I want to be able to go into an adult boutique and see the movie Sorority Soccer Girls 3 starring Mark Hunglow and Dave MaxFearsom.
Of course there are other things I would like to accomplish this year. I would not mind moving out of my parent's house, perhaps write more frequently, or even meet a nice girl who I won't completely screw over. But I wanted to keep this column realistic.
To sound cliched enough for the Hallmark crowd; a new year brings a new beginning, except our new beginning was bought at a garage sale. The new slate set before us has dried up pieces of soul left behind from the last time it was used to disembowel the dreams of the youth. But just because our past wil always be sitting at the next table over tossing peanuts and crumpled up straw wrappers in our drinks, mocking us, does not mean we cannot make this year better.
That is why I have made up a list of points I would like to see carried out this year. Not so much a resolution, as a promise to myself and all those in my life. If we could look into the future we would see flying cars, talking dogs, meals in pill form, equipment that lets us breath underwater, those same talking dogs talking in Spanish, and a different me than the me in your life today. One year from now let us revisit this column, and note how I accomplished all of the following things.
1) Stop wasting more time finding a quote for my away message than the time I will actually be away. Sure, I love 24 as much as the next guy but Jack Bauer does not take bathroom breaks so your search for Keifer Sutherland saying in his oh-so-sexy-groggy voice "Hold on, I have to tinkle" on IMDB is futile. The next time you have to run to the loo and need that perfect quote, image the sound of your bladder exploding and what the paramedic might say as he enters your room. Maybe you'll even go easy on the aspargus from now on.
2) Become more closed off and take more time to analyze different aspects of my life. I can no longer wear my heart on my sleeve. No more will anyone walking past know exactly what is going on in my life. This past year it felt like everyone was inside my head, with psychic abilites to read my mind. I am sorry to say, I will have to pull back a bit, not show my hand to the rest of the table. And along with that, I will look at parts of my life and think really hard about them; almost to a point of obsession. Sure, she may have said thank you and gave me a kiss... but what does that really mean? She's probably sleeping with my best friend.
3) Kick the sudoku habit. It started recreationally; just with friends. A social puzzler. Then I started doing it more frequently, I even started doing it alone. I stopped using protection, finding myself doing puzzles in pen. I knew I had a problem when I woke up one morning and still had the pen in my hand. I was up to 8-10 puzzles a day. It ruined relationships, work habits, and I can no longer play tic-tac-toe without sweating profusely.
4) Get Facebook to change the relationship options. Let's face it, relationships are complex and sometimes simply stating that you are "In a Relationship With ______" is not accurate. In order for people to fully understand the relationship you and another have there must be different options. For those of you who are waiting until marriage there should be options like "Outercourse is Just As Fun With ____" or "Getting Cheated on By _____." And where are the choices for those out there just having fun? Well with these changes you can select from a variety of new classifications such as "First Her Roommate and Now _____", "Drunkenly Hooking Up with _____" and, of course, "Getting Plowed By _____."
5) Teach my parents how to use a cell phone. My dad grew up in the days of ham-radios where you could talk to someone from halfway around the country as long as they were a pre-StarWars era nerd like you building radios in their basement on a Friday night.; only problem was he could probably hear you without the radio since you had to scream into the reciever. My father has not quite grasped the concept that technology has alleviated this problem and as such I'm deaf in my left ear. With my mom the problem is she won't pick up her phone. "Oh, I thought I heard it ringing!" Yea, would have been nice if you had picked it up, I wasn't calling to keep you up to date on the Knicks' scores. Next time I need a bone marrow match I'll try my chances with the homeless guy they found in the alley. It may be easier to teach computer science to an emu, but it would make life the littlest bit easier.
6) Get a job. A good job like a lawyer or the manager of a Foot Locker. I know I will have to start at the bottom and I have weighed my options. I thought of starting out as a Newise but I can't sing or dance, and shining shoes requires a British accent. All the good jobs are going overseas nowadays. I comtemplated Med School with my unhealthy obsession with Scrubs and House, I am practically a doctor already. But Med School is expensive so I came across another option. The OC has been cancelled so there is a spot for a twenty-somethings drama that needs to be filled. I want to create a show like MTV Undressed without the worry of your parents walking in on you watching it. It would be called College Hopes and would detail the lives of an ansemble cast who each have different tales to tell. It wouldn't always be easy but by sticking together through thick and thin, they would survive. "Afterall, dreams do come true for those with... College Hopes."
7) Become so famous a porn star rips off my name. This is connected with #6. After College Hopes wins its many awards, anything I produce will become gold and soon I will be the talk of Hollywood and I'll be the one getting a restraining order against Natalie Portman instead of the other way around! But I do not simply want fame and fortune at a normal level. I want to be able to go into an adult boutique and see the movie Sorority Soccer Girls 3 starring Mark Hunglow and Dave MaxFearsom.
Of course there are other things I would like to accomplish this year. I would not mind moving out of my parent's house, perhaps write more frequently, or even meet a nice girl who I won't completely screw over. But I wanted to keep this column realistic.
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