Paternal Instinct

I don't like kids.

There's something about them, they're like large, smelly cats that don't land on their feet when you drop them. But even though I don't like them, I'm really good when dealing with them once the kid and I stop both crying around each other; its an odd exchange. Everyone says your thoughts on kids change when you have your own, but I'm in no rush to have any more so for now my stance on them remains the same.

Having kids is something guys don't think about as much as girls do. Guys don't sit around picking out names, because if we did every kid would be named after a video game or Samuel L. Jackson. The paternal instinct is a bit tweaked, instead of being programmed to nurture we're programmed to force our kids to do everything we know that will help them in the long run. Football to be tough, piano to impress girls, boy scouts for that ounce of molestation needed because not everyone has a creepy relative they can rely on to cover that base, and auto mechanics.

Its pretty obvious that guys only want to have boys. Its that Spartan attitude we have shoved behind 20 some years of having our mom take care of us when we're sick. To guys, having a little girl is only useful for one thing; getting the chance to beat up teenagers when she starts dating. I'm a fairly attractive guy, so the possibility of my spawn also being attractive is pretty good. Having a son dating the Homecoming Queen is a badge of honor a father can wear on his chest, having a daughter elected Prom Queen is an attempted homicide charge waiting to happen.

When it comes to numbers, guys typically want more than one. Some say its so we get a second chance after we screw up the first one but I think its so you always have someone to pawn the other off on if you're doing something. If I'm trying to fix the dishwasher, watch the game, or slyly burying the dog and then driving to the pound to find one that looks just like it, I don't need the kids buzzing around me. Also, having only one child means all your hopes and dreams are dependant on your one precious spawn, and if they screw up you can't disown them and try again like you could with a littler of kids.

Guys generally don't think about having kids unless something breaks in their life plan to force this into their mind. Most of us would rather pull out of those situations, but sometimes we're too caught up in the moment and then its forced upon us. It's not like there's some magic pill that makes this all go away. In fact, most guys would describe thinking about having a kid as "the longest few weeks of my life" and the only solution is when she tells us we're in the clear. Period.