Brush like a Dentist, Wipe like a Proctologist

I'm big on oral hygiene, it's the most important of all the hygienes.

As such, I take a lot of care in dealing with my teeth and the maintenance there of, so I'm very picky about what I use. I prefer for my mouthwash to have the highest alcohol content available because not only does the burn tell me its working, if prohibition ever comes around again I'm all set. I grew up in a very diverse area so I don't have a preference on color of mouth wash, and when it comes to flavor I think they should be rated much like Taco Bell sauces from "I can feel it working" to "Is it normal for my saliva to turn acidic?" to "My gums seem to be alarmingly radioactive."

With brushing, I prefer to self-scrub over the use of an electric toothbrush. And its not because of my overlying fear of technology becoming self-aware and taking over the Earth in an epic battle we can never win, I'm just not a fan of slowly going tooth by tooth with the slow spinning sphere brush. I just purchased a new toothbrush and with so many different types out there it can be hard for some people to narrow the search. For me, I went for the rigor mortis Fraggle look for my brush. A bunch of different colors and jagged edges scientifically proven to cleanse my mouth by losing enough blood through my gums that my body almost gives out. If I could use steel wool I probably would, but then there's the possibility of contracting lockjaw, and if I'm getting tetanus it's going to be from something manly like stepping on a nail or getting my leg amputated in the field of battle.

When it comes to brushing styles, I don't have a game plan going in. I'm not standing there counting strokes, or have a set pattern to change it up to a swirling counter-clockwise motion as I move to the cuspids. I don't know what I'm gonna do, sometimes I pull a sneak move on myself, moving towards the molars on the right only to slide to the left and dance around the bottom shelf for a while. During my time away at college, I took notice of other people's brushing styles and have realized that most normal people do not look like rabid badgers after they're done brushing. This is considerably different than myself, who was tranquilized by the park service after a rigorous brush session while camping last summer. So if you produce more foam than the makers of those large #1 fingers, you are not alone, my friend.

And f**k flossing, it's such a hassle. Gah! I have things to do with my day!