The cliche is that money cannot buy happiness. You see it everyday with rockstars like Dashboard Confessional who have more money than the Catholic Church but still manage to crank out album after album of songs full of messages about life doing them wrong and girl's destroying their hearts. Now either they are just following the equation that got them a record deal, Tight Shirt + Tears x The Amount of Money Wasted on That Anniversary Present You Bought Before Walking in on Her and Your Best Friend = Platinum Record, or life is hard when you have to choose which Porsche to drive to the servants quarters so Fredrico can go the store and pick up some more Mallowmars. Track #7: My Soul Is Empty (because you forgot to restock the pantry).
But that is what music is for; expressing our emotions so girls will not think we are complete pansies. Who do you think gets laid more; Chris Cornell, lead singer of Audioslave, or Josh Brugneil, college sophomore who performs poetry at his school's open mic night in the coffeeshop? Regardless if this guy is the reincarnation of Shel Silverstein or not (he's dead right?) most women shrug off poetry into a pile with guys that win chess tournaments, collect and stuff dead animals into a taxidermied army ready to invade at a moment's notice, or do comedy. Girls say they want the sensitive, smart, and funny guy; and they are not lying, they just prefer he played guitar, spoke in an Australian accent, and had to the power to get rid of spiders and any other creepy crawly thing with his mind as well.
The perfect person. The one being on the planet that you want to spend the rest of your life with. How many of you out there have found that perfect person? You love the way they eat their cereal in the morning, the way they dance while brushing their teeth before bed, and you love Muffins her cat gently greeting you when you walk in the door with a purr. But as with everything, time changes these things. After a little while, you wish she could get through one bowl without slurping so god damn much, hate every song by FallOutBoy especially when sung with a toothbrush in her mouth, and have drowned the cat in the bathtub to send her a message.
If only you had been in the band in highschool maybe you could have written a song to get all that pent up aggression out. Because music is not all about the girl that broke your heart, though have you ever noticed when you screw up with a girl the radio is your enemy? Think about the last fight you had with your significant other. Your day is shitty, you do not feel like eating, and every song that comes on your Ipod just exfoliates how much of a dick you are. I recently screwed up big time with a girl, and songs became horoscopes; even if they had nothing to do with my life at the moment I would interpret it in a way to make it apply. Its a sad day when Cotton Eye Joe can bring a guy to the brink of tears.
I know I messed up, and I do not need the Red Hot Chili Peppers making it worse with their funktastic melodies.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Sunday, October 08, 2006
Women: A Case Study
I have heard some great arguments. I would love to say I have been a part of them, but people do not particularly like to argue with me in person. I have been told that exclusively on a number of occasions. They will fight with me over the internet, through a third party, over the phone on occasion, but never in person. If we lived back in the day I'm sure I would have a few good examples of arguments via courier pigeon too. And I'm not talking arguments with merit behind them; god no. I hate arguing politics, or worse, religion because I do not know a damn thing about either of those subjects. I am talking about important subjects like most useful superpower, who would win in a fight; my cat or a seagull, and women.
And I will not group women together with religion and politics into the "Stuff I Don't Know Shit About" category because I pretty much have them figured out. After extensive research on the topic I have come to a few hypotheses about women and I feel it is the right time to share with the world my findings using proper MLA citations. It has taken years of casual observing (HighSchool 1999), months of indepth interview session(College, Finals Week 2004), and the occasional particant observation (Roommate's Bed, 2006) for me to come to these conclusions.
It is very important to understand your subject before you start to criticize it. It is quite simple to understand a woman. You have to understand that she has emotions which drive her decisions, and to her, every decision is important. Sure, that sweater is $88, its the middle of summer, and she lives in a place where the temperature does not drop below 70 degrees, but it makes her boobs looks fabulous; and how often does that come around? Women are beautiful mistresses put on this Earth to exemplify the true meaning of magnificent, but lest not forget women are materialistic and fickle. As such, most will find the first point to be controversial.
It is much easier to be a woman. Please do not throw examples like child birth and menstruation at me. First off, how many times in your life are you planning on squirting a munckin out? Perhaps twice or three times? We're not running a plantation and have a need for farm hands; you should not be pumping out more kids than I appendages to discipline them with! Besides, child birth is a natural event that produces a new life, and you girls eat that crap up. Babies are cute, they're like kittens but not as bouncy. As for menstruation, we suffer through that right along with you baby. And its not just with you, oh no. We have to deal with all the women in our lives. You just so happen to be the only one we are sleeping with at the moment. And ladies, you know how you can tell your man is being faithful? If he's as miserable as you are during that week, he does not have some girl on the side. If he comes home smiling saying lines like "Baby, its alright, I was tired anyway." You better start following him to and from work.
When it comes to everyday life it is easier to have two X chromosomes. Women tend to get along with other women right off the bat. They need a good couple days to get to know each other well enough before they start stabbing each other in the back. And even then it takes a person with the ability to read auras to point out which chick a woman hates. For guys, it is the complete opposite. Have you ever been compelled by the laws of the universe to hate somebody because of the sports team they cheer for? If the doctor that is about to perform emergency surgery to repair your innerworkings has on the colors of a rival team you there is something inside a man that will make sure you get to that scalpel first and save mankind from his type. Everything is a competition. When guys first meet we size each other up and figure out what we are better at than the other guy. He can bench twice his body weight, is a war hero, and found a cure for cancer, but I can successfully eat seven saltines in a minute. I think the winner here is obvious.
Now I will open up the floor to some comments. But women get paid less money for the same work! Is money really important as long as you love what you do? But society holds women to insane criteria to be considered beautiful! Comparing every guy you see to Brad Pitt and that guy from Grey's Anatomy is really fair, eh? Sorry, it comes with the Equal Rights package. But women did not have the right to vote until the 1950's! Well I was not allowed to drive until I was seventeen, but now I can, and you can vote; so shut up about it.
Women may be the reason we do stupid things like eat popcorn off the ground of the movie theater for a laugh. And they may make us forget simple things like you were going to walk her to her car, you were even standing next to door, and then sat back down while your roommates looked on with befuddledment as she left. And they may also make you go clinically insane by the time your 25. But women are the only keeping us from playing volleyball without shirts on even though we're out of shape, eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon, and finishing an entire Madden football season in one day. And, I guess, we should be grateful because who would want to do any of that ridiculously fun stuff 24/7?
And I will not group women together with religion and politics into the "Stuff I Don't Know Shit About" category because I pretty much have them figured out. After extensive research on the topic I have come to a few hypotheses about women and I feel it is the right time to share with the world my findings using proper MLA citations. It has taken years of casual observing (HighSchool 1999), months of indepth interview session(College, Finals Week 2004), and the occasional particant observation (Roommate's Bed, 2006) for me to come to these conclusions.
It is very important to understand your subject before you start to criticize it. It is quite simple to understand a woman. You have to understand that she has emotions which drive her decisions, and to her, every decision is important. Sure, that sweater is $88, its the middle of summer, and she lives in a place where the temperature does not drop below 70 degrees, but it makes her boobs looks fabulous; and how often does that come around? Women are beautiful mistresses put on this Earth to exemplify the true meaning of magnificent, but lest not forget women are materialistic and fickle. As such, most will find the first point to be controversial.
It is much easier to be a woman. Please do not throw examples like child birth and menstruation at me. First off, how many times in your life are you planning on squirting a munckin out? Perhaps twice or three times? We're not running a plantation and have a need for farm hands; you should not be pumping out more kids than I appendages to discipline them with! Besides, child birth is a natural event that produces a new life, and you girls eat that crap up. Babies are cute, they're like kittens but not as bouncy. As for menstruation, we suffer through that right along with you baby. And its not just with you, oh no. We have to deal with all the women in our lives. You just so happen to be the only one we are sleeping with at the moment. And ladies, you know how you can tell your man is being faithful? If he's as miserable as you are during that week, he does not have some girl on the side. If he comes home smiling saying lines like "Baby, its alright, I was tired anyway." You better start following him to and from work.
When it comes to everyday life it is easier to have two X chromosomes. Women tend to get along with other women right off the bat. They need a good couple days to get to know each other well enough before they start stabbing each other in the back. And even then it takes a person with the ability to read auras to point out which chick a woman hates. For guys, it is the complete opposite. Have you ever been compelled by the laws of the universe to hate somebody because of the sports team they cheer for? If the doctor that is about to perform emergency surgery to repair your innerworkings has on the colors of a rival team you there is something inside a man that will make sure you get to that scalpel first and save mankind from his type. Everything is a competition. When guys first meet we size each other up and figure out what we are better at than the other guy. He can bench twice his body weight, is a war hero, and found a cure for cancer, but I can successfully eat seven saltines in a minute. I think the winner here is obvious.
Now I will open up the floor to some comments. But women get paid less money for the same work! Is money really important as long as you love what you do? But society holds women to insane criteria to be considered beautiful! Comparing every guy you see to Brad Pitt and that guy from Grey's Anatomy is really fair, eh? Sorry, it comes with the Equal Rights package. But women did not have the right to vote until the 1950's! Well I was not allowed to drive until I was seventeen, but now I can, and you can vote; so shut up about it.
Women may be the reason we do stupid things like eat popcorn off the ground of the movie theater for a laugh. And they may make us forget simple things like you were going to walk her to her car, you were even standing next to door, and then sat back down while your roommates looked on with befuddledment as she left. And they may also make you go clinically insane by the time your 25. But women are the only keeping us from playing volleyball without shirts on even though we're out of shape, eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon, and finishing an entire Madden football season in one day. And, I guess, we should be grateful because who would want to do any of that ridiculously fun stuff 24/7?
Monday, October 02, 2006
A Very Special Episode of AoR
So what's the problem? Its just transition. Everyone deals with it and this won't be the only time I'll have to do it in my life. But I'll get this off my chest and put it up on my website and try to throw a joke in every now and then as to not completely bore anyone who decided to throw away their free time by reading me babble like all those other assholes with websites do. My babble I usually believe as worthwhile to read, this may be for those wondering whats up.
When people would ask me how life is I'd smile, shrug my shoulders and answer, "Shitty! But let's not let it ruin the day!" Turtles walk around with a hardshell around them at all times, us humans have to work hard to maintain that kind of safety bubble. Somehow I have kept my sanity through 4 months of absolutely nothing. The main reason I am so psycho to find a job is because I was always the person with the job in the past. I worked at the same place since I was 16, working every waking second, sacrificing time with friends, family, girls, and any personal time. You could say that in my head I don't find it fair. Its how I grew up. I didn't work at JC Penny 20 hours a week selling sweaters. I lived, breathed, (on some occasions I dont want to talk about, might have) killed working at the Arts Center.
"Hell, Dave, if you like it so much why not just do that?" The reason I loved it so much is the exact reason I don't want to do it. It becomes your entire life. But I have a degree I don't want to use and have to sit on job experiences to hook a phone call. Statistically, I should have gotten at least one phone call from someone curious about the certified Hostage Negotiator that just wanted the story.
I can't even hold conversations with my friends because NOTHING happens in my week. Its a real great feeling to call a friend to wish them a happy birthday, and after you get those two words out of your mouth you're out of shit to talk about. If I got a phone call from anyone I would almost think that's enough of a catylist to dial up an old friend. The next time my sister invites me over to dinner, you know all of you are getting calls about it.
So about my love life.... no, not going there. For those still curious however, its kind of like the the previous paragraph, except add in "The next time my sister invites me over to dinner, you know you're getting a phone call about it because I'm going to try and play it off as a date."
Getting up on stage used to be a release. No matter how shitty my life was I could get up on stage and everything would go away. Believe me, I tried my hardest to make my life miserable before some of the biggest shows I ever did. Being up in front of people had a way of letting me forget about the real world for a second. For that hour and a half, I wasn't the biggest jerk in the world or stressed out from working for hours and getting no respect or recognition from anyone; that was my home. My universe. Nothing could go wrong.
Somehow that got messed up to. Though this one isn't entirely my fault. MadCow must have spoiled me. Granted I was the person that was the most frustrated and irratable person to deal with whenever I had to negotiate a situation inside the herd. And if I was in the process of writing/filming/editing a video, it didn't matter how cute you were, I was preoccupied. What's been going on the last few weeks has just been frustrating. I don't know how to fix it, I don't know if I can fix it, and I probably shouldn't post anything on the internet until I talk to the guys about it, but I'm the one that can't sleep at 2am and I'll call them tommorow. So shhhhh, if you see them.
Distractions have been handy. The gym has been a good one, but the past two weeks it hasn't completely worked (damn you pretty girl!). Fighting with my cousin seems to work while I'm training with the boys, but I still suck at it (damn you guys bigger than me!). Other distractions I've tried over the course of time but haven't stuck have been slightly amusing. I tried reading. Got through 4 1/2 out of 5 books of the Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy and flat out stopped (damn you phonics!). My idea to practice manipulating cards and sleight of hand after watching 6 straight hours of MindFreak fell through after I realized I can't do camera tricks (damn you Criss Angel!).
And I haven't been keeping up with this even though the best way I deal with things is make fun of them. But why? Part of it could be because a friend said to me this weekend, "You should write stuff that won't offend your friends." To which I replied, "Maybe I should get friends that won't be offended by what I write." (damn you friends???) But that's why I haven't written as much as usual, because the only thing I do with my day is hang out with the cat and occasionally, when you guys all get home from work, or class, or sitting around with your pets all day, I talk to you.
It was so much easier when I was more of a loner. Its hard to not write shit like this entry everytime you sit at your keyboard when its the only thing that rolls through your head all day.
So I may not have a job. I may not be able to land more than one punch during Fight Club. I may not be ready to swallow my pride and grow a pair. I may not fit in with my new group. And I may not have written what you expected to see when you clicked on the link in my profile. But there are a few things that keep me sane so that when people ask me "How's life?" I can respond.
Shitty. But let's not let it ruin our day.
When people would ask me how life is I'd smile, shrug my shoulders and answer, "Shitty! But let's not let it ruin the day!" Turtles walk around with a hardshell around them at all times, us humans have to work hard to maintain that kind of safety bubble. Somehow I have kept my sanity through 4 months of absolutely nothing. The main reason I am so psycho to find a job is because I was always the person with the job in the past. I worked at the same place since I was 16, working every waking second, sacrificing time with friends, family, girls, and any personal time. You could say that in my head I don't find it fair. Its how I grew up. I didn't work at JC Penny 20 hours a week selling sweaters. I lived, breathed, (on some occasions I dont want to talk about, might have) killed working at the Arts Center.
"Hell, Dave, if you like it so much why not just do that?" The reason I loved it so much is the exact reason I don't want to do it. It becomes your entire life. But I have a degree I don't want to use and have to sit on job experiences to hook a phone call. Statistically, I should have gotten at least one phone call from someone curious about the certified Hostage Negotiator that just wanted the story.
I can't even hold conversations with my friends because NOTHING happens in my week. Its a real great feeling to call a friend to wish them a happy birthday, and after you get those two words out of your mouth you're out of shit to talk about. If I got a phone call from anyone I would almost think that's enough of a catylist to dial up an old friend. The next time my sister invites me over to dinner, you know all of you are getting calls about it.
So about my love life.... no, not going there. For those still curious however, its kind of like the the previous paragraph, except add in "The next time my sister invites me over to dinner, you know you're getting a phone call about it because I'm going to try and play it off as a date."
Getting up on stage used to be a release. No matter how shitty my life was I could get up on stage and everything would go away. Believe me, I tried my hardest to make my life miserable before some of the biggest shows I ever did. Being up in front of people had a way of letting me forget about the real world for a second. For that hour and a half, I wasn't the biggest jerk in the world or stressed out from working for hours and getting no respect or recognition from anyone; that was my home. My universe. Nothing could go wrong.
Somehow that got messed up to. Though this one isn't entirely my fault. MadCow must have spoiled me. Granted I was the person that was the most frustrated and irratable person to deal with whenever I had to negotiate a situation inside the herd. And if I was in the process of writing/filming/editing a video, it didn't matter how cute you were, I was preoccupied. What's been going on the last few weeks has just been frustrating. I don't know how to fix it, I don't know if I can fix it, and I probably shouldn't post anything on the internet until I talk to the guys about it, but I'm the one that can't sleep at 2am and I'll call them tommorow. So shhhhh, if you see them.
Distractions have been handy. The gym has been a good one, but the past two weeks it hasn't completely worked (damn you pretty girl!). Fighting with my cousin seems to work while I'm training with the boys, but I still suck at it (damn you guys bigger than me!). Other distractions I've tried over the course of time but haven't stuck have been slightly amusing. I tried reading. Got through 4 1/2 out of 5 books of the Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy and flat out stopped (damn you phonics!). My idea to practice manipulating cards and sleight of hand after watching 6 straight hours of MindFreak fell through after I realized I can't do camera tricks (damn you Criss Angel!).
And I haven't been keeping up with this even though the best way I deal with things is make fun of them. But why? Part of it could be because a friend said to me this weekend, "You should write stuff that won't offend your friends." To which I replied, "Maybe I should get friends that won't be offended by what I write." (damn you friends???) But that's why I haven't written as much as usual, because the only thing I do with my day is hang out with the cat and occasionally, when you guys all get home from work, or class, or sitting around with your pets all day, I talk to you.
It was so much easier when I was more of a loner. Its hard to not write shit like this entry everytime you sit at your keyboard when its the only thing that rolls through your head all day.
So I may not have a job. I may not be able to land more than one punch during Fight Club. I may not be ready to swallow my pride and grow a pair. I may not fit in with my new group. And I may not have written what you expected to see when you clicked on the link in my profile. But there are a few things that keep me sane so that when people ask me "How's life?" I can respond.
Shitty. But let's not let it ruin our day.
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