Stupid, Sexist, and in every way Accurate

Recently my days have consisted of waking up, scaring school children waiting for the bus by removing bloodied lawn tools from my trunk and a bag where something that looks strikingly like a human head falls out, while some time after that I head to the gym. Going to the gym has kept me sane these last few weeks as the kids have started to become desensitized to my actions and one of these days the kids (and the authorities) will realize why their parents have disappeared. There is something about repetitive motion that makes life rewarding; that's why during my last mental break down I kept rocking back and forth repeating the female lead to Paradise By The Dashboard Lights for 36 straight hours. All of these things remind us that you have to keep trying, strive towards your goal, its not all over if you don't get a good jump out of the gate; keep your head in the game.

First impressions take three seconds to make, and if you screw that up; you are f**ked. Sure, everyone is a unique little snowflake and the true beauty of a person is not physical, but when you walk past me in the supermarket the first thought in my head is not, "I bet we could spend the night together just having great conversation." This is why you don't see bachelor parties at MENSA meetings. Sure, you're smart and interesting, but if I really wanted that I would have dated the snaggle-toothed, pre-law girl that wrote my thesis for me in college.

If I have not already broken years of protective boundaries all you ladies have build up over the years, let me assure you that most of these first impressions are going to fall on the Up & Out Policy. This societal phenomenon can be compared to your average school's grading system; though reversed. No one with A's is going to reach the Honor Roll, while your D students are going to get most of the recognition from the school. All women are built differently, but the amount of variety in the funness of said bags astonishes me; so I came up with a theory.

The only reason we have small tittied women around is because people only lived until they were like 26.

As with any new claim on the nature of the universe there will be cause for alarm and an outcry against the change. Did people believe Columbus when he said the earth revolved around the sun? No, there was no absolute acceptance like the time Kennedy was shot by Lee Harvey Oswald. Sometimes things cannot be as clean cut as that. But I have a degree in philosophy so I am officially licensed to philosophize.

Back in a time before modern medicine the lifespan of the average person was significantly lower. Waiting until you are 30 to get married only came about with the debut of Friends. Less than 100 years ago, once you could physically pop out kids you were sent off to be married around the age of 12. Since this is before the titty has the proper time to ripen, the guys which married these girls had no clue as to what brand of utter came with the cow. Because of this the country could have made a disastrous mistake. America has had its fair share of screw-ups with slavery and interment camps, but edged by this one. Think about it, if people lived until they were 90 back then, we may have started putting the small tittied bitches on mountains.

I'm not saying there are not some guys out there that like small boobs, I'm just saying all guys like big boobs.