Women: A Case Study

I have heard some great arguments. I would love to say I have been a part of them, but people do not particularly like to argue with me in person. I have been told that exclusively on a number of occasions. They will fight with me over the internet, through a third party, over the phone on occasion, but never in person. If we lived back in the day I'm sure I would have a few good examples of arguments via courier pigeon too. And I'm not talking arguments with merit behind them; god no. I hate arguing politics, or worse, religion because I do not know a damn thing about either of those subjects. I am talking about important subjects like most useful superpower, who would win in a fight; my cat or a seagull, and women.

And I will not group women together with religion and politics into the "Stuff I Don't Know Shit About" category because I pretty much have them figured out. After extensive research on the topic I have come to a few hypotheses about women and I feel it is the right time to share with the world my findings using proper MLA citations. It has taken years of casual observing (HighSchool 1999), months of indepth interview session(College, Finals Week 2004), and the occasional particant observation (Roommate's Bed, 2006) for me to come to these conclusions.

It is very important to understand your subject before you start to criticize it. It is quite simple to understand a woman. You have to understand that she has emotions which drive her decisions, and to her, every decision is important. Sure, that sweater is $88, its the middle of summer, and she lives in a place where the temperature does not drop below 70 degrees, but it makes her boobs looks fabulous; and how often does that come around? Women are beautiful mistresses put on this Earth to exemplify the true meaning of magnificent, but lest not forget women are materialistic and fickle. As such, most will find the first point to be controversial.

It is much easier to be a woman. Please do not throw examples like child birth and menstruation at me. First off, how many times in your life are you planning on squirting a munckin out? Perhaps twice or three times? We're not running a plantation and have a need for farm hands; you should not be pumping out more kids than I appendages to discipline them with! Besides, child birth is a natural event that produces a new life, and you girls eat that crap up. Babies are cute, they're like kittens but not as bouncy. As for menstruation, we suffer through that right along with you baby. And its not just with you, oh no. We have to deal with all the women in our lives. You just so happen to be the only one we are sleeping with at the moment. And ladies, you know how you can tell your man is being faithful? If he's as miserable as you are during that week, he does not have some girl on the side. If he comes home smiling saying lines like "Baby, its alright, I was tired anyway." You better start following him to and from work.

When it comes to everyday life it is easier to have two X chromosomes. Women tend to get along with other women right off the bat. They need a good couple days to get to know each other well enough before they start stabbing each other in the back. And even then it takes a person with the ability to read auras to point out which chick a woman hates. For guys, it is the complete opposite. Have you ever been compelled by the laws of the universe to hate somebody because of the sports team they cheer for? If the doctor that is about to perform emergency surgery to repair your innerworkings has on the colors of a rival team you there is something inside a man that will make sure you get to that scalpel first and save mankind from his type. Everything is a competition. When guys first meet we size each other up and figure out what we are better at than the other guy. He can bench twice his body weight, is a war hero, and found a cure for cancer, but I can successfully eat seven saltines in a minute. I think the winner here is obvious.

Now I will open up the floor to some comments. But women get paid less money for the same work! Is money really important as long as you love what you do? But society holds women to insane criteria to be considered beautiful! Comparing every guy you see to Brad Pitt and that guy from Grey's Anatomy is really fair, eh? Sorry, it comes with the Equal Rights package. But women did not have the right to vote until the 1950's! Well I was not allowed to drive until I was seventeen, but now I can, and you can vote; so shut up about it.

Women may be the reason we do stupid things like eat popcorn off the ground of the movie theater for a laugh. And they may make us forget simple things like you were going to walk her to her car, you were even standing next to door, and then sat back down while your roommates looked on with befuddledment as she left. And they may also make you go clinically insane by the time your 25. But women are the only keeping us from playing volleyball without shirts on even though we're out of shape, eating peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon, and finishing an entire Madden football season in one day. And, I guess, we should be grateful because who would want to do any of that ridiculously fun stuff 24/7?